The Doh.MEI.n

2008-02-20T22:56:00.000+11:00

Some reflections upon returning, in a nutshell.

Okay so my last update was almost a year ago. Almost. Let's not let it reach that...

So I've just come back from the Philippines. Maybe I've just not had the time, or the right words or just plain lost my self-confidence when it comes to my writing.. What happened to not caring so much? All I can say is that the last two weeks have been rather... refreshing. I think I should make it so I go overseas every year and disconnect from reality and connect with me - as stupidly airy-fairily spiritual as that sounds, it's not really. It's just that it was just that. If that makes sense. But I'm writing again and that's the point. =)

I guess I could call this trip... rediscovering myself through reconnecting with people I've known but never really known. This is the first time I've gone to the Philippines without my parents. My memories of the Philippines is mostly just tagging along with my parents to meet their friends and their kids, being in the car looking out the window, tagging along with family to go shopping/eat/whatever. ANYWAY, so I get to decide who I see and what I want to do... (mostly. But that's another story.) So when I broke away from the troupe to do my own family run, I did just that.

I guess my main focus this time was my three official ninangs (godmothers), although I didn't realise it at the time. I got to dive into a different world and know my parents' friends and let them know that I'm my own person now. That's a little scary but exciting and enlightening and powerful. I stayed up til four in the morning with one, chain smoking, drinking coffee and having philosophical conversation. With another ninang, we had a nice intellectual share of our views on the world as well, over dinner. And the third one is almost there, but she's filled with doubts and regrets about herself and the way her world is.

Mind you this is already the tail end of my trip. But it was just so damn... fascinating. To learn so much about the kind of people they all are, their views on life, religion, spirituality, opinions on situations, what they've been through, what my parents were like... just everything. Spending time with them treating me as an equal.

Being away just let me reflect on so much of my life while I wasn't so caught up in it. I got to know more of my ties in the Philippines, as well as meet a few new interesting people, and in doing so I really had to be not afraid of being me. And learn. It was a good reminder about who I feel I am as a person. What I have been doing, what I need/should be doing and what I want to be doing. Some are one, two or all three. But one of things I want to be doing is writing again. So one thing at a time. =)

[Current music: Leona Lewis]

2007-03-25T01:13:00.000+11:00

a general update - always a sunday...

i intend to write something... anything... everything today. i have an incredibly dumb amount of half updates because i get distracted easily. it may or may not be the random spacing outs and hundreds of billions of thought processes that i just can't be bothered to do. or maybe this requires a lot of concentrating because i don't want to sound stupid =P. i have to stop way too often to re-read what i've written. also i was just sick of seeing that old update from valentines day. that was ages ago.

for some reason i seem to have stopped posting about me... and my 'dramas' not that i have any... and my reflections and thoughts. i have not written one sentence about what i have been feeling lately. usually this occurs when i'm happy... or think i'm happy because my life has slipped into a bearable routine without anything interesting going on. i'm not making sense. i know it... but i'm trying not to let myself read over what i've written. but i just did. and i almost got distracted then. perseverance. focus.

so what have i been feeling lately? it's hard to tell when half the time i'm happily relaxed and chilled and complacent. i have to stop myself... i may just be numbing myself... maybe. *ahem*

on another note i've been re-reading harry potter along with everybody else. i haven't posted anything as of yet (i can't be bothered and there's just been so many comments to read (and they all pretty much say what i was thinking) and i'm always behind on chapters so...) but i intend to... maybe... at some point. and reading it has been making me feel like writing for some reason... maybe because i spent a lot of time reading about j.k. rowling and how she became a writer and... i just thought that i'd love to do that. i want to write something... really original... really good.

what else? i'm just not letting myself write anything personal in here... and i've just realised i keep writing 'maybe'. (maybe) it's because i'm not so sure of myself or i am sure so i'm afraid that once i write it down.. it'll make it true. or (maybe) i just don't want to commit to any particular statement.

me and josh are good. fallen into a new routine. wow. i just realised that me and josh adapt a lot... make new routines depending on our ever-changing schedules. at the moment we're playing pool regularly... every tuesday it's free at spurs. and we've now incorporated it into our routine. we're pool addicts. he thinks we need to go to rehab.

i'm seeing my friends semi-regularly. hopefully seeing avya tomorrow... at the 'epping fair'. it's like epping got jealous of eastwood's granny smith festival and invented their own. hehe. saw jess and ming last week actually. i've spent more time with ming outside and after school (like.. now) then during school. oh might be seeing chantelle on tuesday! it'll be sort of weird seeing her in a different social situation. i have not spent time like that with her... i have a feeling it'll be fun.

and today was the day andy came back to work.

i have a sudden itch to write in my actual diary. the truth... uh oh.

[Current music: bonnie pink - kingyo]

2007-02-15T13:58:00.000+11:00

thursday. the day after my first valentines @ outback

"ahhhhhhhhhh."

it's so good being able to just sit here, with no disturbances, my awesome music playing nice and loud, the internet and a cigarette in hand. i'm actually now in a really good mood, and once again glad that josh has woken me up early. means i'll be more productive during the day and sleep at a decent hour.

wow. a sudden hit of appreciating josh. he's sort of encouraging/challenging/making/helping/supporting me to get another job and/or at least do something with my life. he's a positive influence in my life. it makes me really happy to be able to say something like that. i have an awesome boyfriend. how many people can say that?

the other day (tuesday i think) we got talking about money (as usual) and how he needs to do his resume and get a new job and how i've been thinking that i need to get a second job during the day because i need more money as well. so he signed me up to seek.com.au because he knew i'd keep putting it off. showed me where to look. then he woke me up early this morning. told me that he expected me to have updated my resume and sent it to 7-10 different jobs by 10:30 tonight. if i send it to 10 i get a surprise. god. he's even giving me incentive.

ANYWAY, so i'm in a good mood. i've only applied for one job... but i've taken a break to just chillax, update my journal at a nice pace and reflect and think stoner thoughts. it's fun looking for a job though, now that i'm in the rhythm of it. and i think about how fun and interesting it would be. the new people. the new atmosphere. new things to learn. something to do during the day. MONEY!!! =)=)=) but yes. so i'm quite motivated right now.

me and my dad were so on the same level last night. it was cool. had lots of awesome profound thought exchanges which all tied in neatly at the end. it was about different views on life, people, how my mum and dad have switched beliefs maybe as a sort of result of their divorce etc.

oooh. i've just gotten distracted by this old pamphlet i've kept and now re-found. it's for sae college. looks kinda cool. weird epiphany like train of thought which ended in the question: when did i stop not being sure and actually maybe wanting to do something like that? as in an audio or multimedia course sae offer which in the end will maybe offer me job opportunities in radio, recording studios, sound engineering etc. or advertising, design bureaus, internet etc. ?

hello again. not that you would know by reading this that i went and got distracted again. for an extremely long time since it's already 7:05 and i haven't had a cigarette since like...3! blah. i've only sent 5 job applications. i really can't be bothered to do anymore... it's the cover letter's. they're seriously killing me. why does there always have to be something so menial and tedious to go with everything that needs to be done? why?

now it's 9:20 and i think this entry shall come to an end til i actually have a particular thing to write about (not including my back logs!)

[Current mood: satisfied]
[Current music: matt weddle - hey ya]

2007-02-07T23:28:00.000+11:00

wednesday. with gajan..? (what should i do? should i call out to you?)

interestingly i spent my wednesday with gajan. woke up around 10 and he was in my room chilling. got ... (what's new?) and then mentioned that i really wanted to watch a movie called "pan's labyrinth" at the dendy in newtown. black man just got paid and said he'd take me to see it. pretty cool.

so we made it to eastwood around 2:30 i think. had panda garden for lunch. stocked up on cigarettes. caught the train, changed at strathfield. got to newtown. went straight to dendy. pan's labyrinth was worth seeing, but a bit slow. afterwards we grabbed a really nice and affordable thai dinner.

went our separate ways and i met up with josh at west ryde. played pool at the tavern for about an hour.

it was really nice to get home and be in my room chilling by myself.

[Current music: snow patrol - chasing cars]

2007-02-06T23:13:00.001+11:00

tuesday. the quest of delivering sammi to tafe. (wasn't i strong enough, to make you see...)

i think i'm doing this more logically now. w00t.

tuesday... josh left early in the morning with camille... both had stuffs to do during the day. made a promise to josh to get sammi out of the house and to meadowbank by 12:30pm. so woke up at about 11am, sammi and gajan still asleep on the couch. went about my business, showered and woke them about 10 mins before we had to leave.

met up with josh. we were all starving (and i had some money YAY!) so we ate chinese. enrolled sammi into tafe, checked josh's exemptions (bludger!) then eventually somehow we made it to spur's and played pool ($1!). left at around 10:30 i think and gajan ended up crashing at mine. got ... as per usual and crashed late as per usual =P

[Current music: dashboard confessional - ender will save us all]

2007-02-05T23:07:00.000+11:00

monday. the day my havaianas died. (cos it's not fair to love you in chains.)

yeah. i'm back-logging.

so monday what did i do? one of my thongs broke in the morning, just as i got to the freakin' bus stop. figures. it was either, catch the next bus (an hour away and i was already late) and get heels from home or figure something out once i got to parramatta. i caught the bus and convinced marc (who was on the phone to me at the time of crisis) to walk down to the station with a pair of thongs and then to buy me new havaianas (i have no money =P). they're dark grey. once again i'm so lucky to have someone like marc in my life. after crisis was averted... we went back to his place and proceeded to climb into unreality. only for the morning for me though, since i had dinner at night. played warioware all day. awesomely random game to the maxxxx!!!

at night was the dinner. met up with jess after she finished work and made our way to the venue. others slowly joined us... but some of us went off to play pool while waiting, me being among them. the dinner was alright... felt sort of out of place, considering that this was all marsden people... this was their group. and unfortunately the good cd i brought didn't work and we were stuck with very little good music. my table only ate one entree (a bowl of chips =P) since none of us had any money. how sad. so mostly sat outside dancing and smoking and talking the entire night.

stopped by one world again, played pool, danced salsa and eventually left around 10:30pm. went back to my place and ... me and my boy broke our little deal for one night (mutually!) since we just can't help ourselves =P. that was hilariously funny for me but i won't go into details why... because i said so. oh and it seems that every week my bathroom toilet is making friends with a different person.

[Current music: nelly furtado - say it right]

2007-02-04T21:59:00.000+11:00

sunday. plus one day of reflection.

i've successfully stayed home. spent the day in unreality, completely baked. couldn't comprehend anything my boy was saying over the phone. i'm so bad when i'm gone. but talked to marc for a bit but we were both immersed in our own activities to really trip out together.
i was caught up being all voyeuristic. exploring lj and looking at latest posts... sort of researching the people whose entries i find interesting. i feel like such a stalker. but hey it entertained me. i keep meaning to play baldurs gate but i'm so distracted with lj and the internet. i guess it's been a long time since i've had such readily available and comfortable connection. that's why i'm back.
i've just finished a cigarette and remembered that this time i was just going to write wherever my thoughts take me instead of tracking back and trying to continue on the theme of what i was writing about before all neatly. if that makes any sense. probably not because as i was writing that sentence i kept thinking about how insanely long it was. so was that one. maybe i should stop? wow. i get to ramble sufficiently. and sort of keep up with my thought process since typing is faster than writing.
so this is basically what i've been doing all day. it's only 11:10 now and i woke up at like... 2:30. yes i'm a lazy bitch. i know. i'm slowly but surely crushing the laziness out of me. which sorta reminds me. i've been reading my journal from start to finish... and i was such a hyper little thing. i have changed a lot... yet fundamentally i'm still me. i wonder what it would be like meeting my past self.

now i'm sorting through some old cd's. god i'm one sentimental bitch. anyway, so i start playing a cd and completely forgot what i was doing. my own music is sucking me in.

gotta make a cd for tonight's dinner. early night morning for me. the plan for today is: going to parra to spend the day with marc and spend the night at a dinner i don't have money for. then go back to mine and smoke up with the normal 5. so there's an idea of what to expect for my next entry.

[Current music: in public - kelis ft. nas]

2007-02-04T04:07:00.000+11:00

day 2 pt. II (friday) and day 3 (saturday)... (and already this is failing)

a continuation of explaining yesterday (which is actually the day before yesterday).

...long story short, i spent way more than i should have yesterday (well the day before, but i haven't slept yet!). that was 2 pairs of shorts, a pair of earrings and 2 cd's. what's with the pairs? anyway, it was a fun day nonetheless... having the time and company to enjoy stores that i wish i could go to more often. i guess i just got fed up with not buying anything for myself. but now i'm paying for it. dipping into my savings account like i said i wouldn't. i can't believe it. i think i should start a rule: buy one thing for myself every week. just one. that way i can get what i want without suddenly splurging because i never buy anything for me.
went to work. shit night. no tips. then had to rush getting changed. rush to the station. run for the train at stratty. by then i was pissed off. to top it off, i hadn't had a cigarette. irrational. unreasonable. immature. but hey my night rendered me irate.
made it to lidcombe. then a not so quick stop off at mcdonalds (which i've stopped eating). made it to the black man's house. proceeded to his local for $2 pool and $2.50 beer. i had absolutely no money except for transport to get home. managed to play lots of pool anyway. i think i just might be getting better. the music was good. turned up loud, good base and pretty good songs - which we didn't have to pay for.
observed the group interaction. the dynamics of the group have changed. it's odd how quickly it did. it's odd how i've also become part of it all. caught up in it all. how the rest of my night turned out, i've just realised, has allowed me to take a step back and remember that i don't have to be... but then... there are no other dramas in my life.
the rest of the night was basically ending up at winston hills and majority of us feeling pissed off at having to go. we felt further away and inconvenienced. but none of us objected. we all hopped in the car and went. so can we really be pissed off? but after arriving and sufficiently bitching, we eventually decided on a taxi for us to go home. i felt sort of rude doing that.
got home at 5. boy went upstairs and straight to sleep. sam crashed downstairs. i decided to sleep at around 6. then the morning birds came. (see previous entry)

***

day 3 from day 4's point of view. so, yesterday was...

waking up at 2pm. i must've pulled the blinds down whilst escaping the morning birds and the light of dawn. but it at least allowed us to sleep in. bummed around my house for a couple of hours, pondering how the black man made it here.
fulfilled promise to myself not to give in. but i must say it's getting harder - he's really trying to get me to give in.
left the house around 4:45. got to work. ate some food. (some food which i've only just finished now. yum) Had one party table of 28. partayed with them and got to bludge legit at work. got a decent tip (i worked it for that table damnitt) and then had a good conversation with mc at the train station and on the train.
got home at 11:40pm. got high. talked to my dad. talked to the boy. talked to my dad some more. slept at 6am.

it's 5:15pm and i'm coming down, but i'll be going back up soon.

[Current mood: ditzy]
[Current music: into the ocean - evermore]

2007-02-03T04:16:00.000+11:00

day 2ish (friday on the wee hours of saturday) (picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly)

it's so quiet right now. i mean the house. i look over my shoulder and remember that josh is lying asleep on my bed, then remember sam is downstairs. there are 5 people in this house and it's just me awake. it's quiet.

yesterday/today (again! how confusing.) was...

being woken up at the unglodly hour of 7:30am. josh. early and taking public transport! what the..? the one time i wanted and needed to sleep in (didn't get to bed til 5:30). but i slept in for another 15 minutes, showered and made it out of the house (even remembering my toothbrush! i never remember it. and hey the one time i do i end up back at home anyway! oh the irony) looking good and feeling a bit less grumpy. in the meantime i was having phone conversations with josh involving me complaining about being so early... but i thanked him later. funny. i just realised in the entry before i was complaining about waking up too late... now too early.
apologies for the random mini tangents. you can probably guess why... it's 5:45. I've almost been up for 24hrs! wow.

i'll continue this confused entry later. i must flee. the morning birds have come.

[Current mood: gone]
[Current music: a perfect circle - 3 libra's]

2007-02-02T01:40:00.000+11:00

day 1 (thursday). (the half day)

i felt like she was angry with me... probably for not being around as much again especially when they're due to start uni. she had to go and said she'd call me back but didn't.
i was awake by then. rolled my ass out of bed and dragged it next to my newly acquired toy (thus the want to get back in touch with my internet-life). remembered to call josh. looked at the clock and realised that once again i've gotten out of bed at the disgusting hour of 1pm. i sleep too much nowadays. anyway, had conversation with him on and off til his phone ran out of battery.
got ready for work. cigarettes, phone, wallet, keys, music. yay my new baby... ipod shuffle! courtesy of the awesomely funky (like a spunky monkey) marc exclamation mark. happily made my way to work, attempting to be at one with my new baby.
i got to work and realised that i missed an important meeting to do a sort of assessment for a certificate in hospitality. all the people who were signed up for it were doing it. i didn't know about it... but i was too lazy and hungry to care... but thinking about it now, it's really annoying because now i don't know what stage i'm at for the certificate and all the assessments it entails.
ending that rant, i decided to eat a no rules burger with cheese, grilled onions, egg, pineapple, lettuce and bbq sauce. mmm... i'm making myself hungry. but that's what i ate. and it came with chips and i dipped it in our honey mustard sauce. i feel like i'm advertising... but i really did enjoy that meal.
ANYWAY, had a fun time at work, gained a badge from a japanese chick who works in outback in japan. gave me two badges of hers from japan (and i'm like... what? she carries them around with her wherever she goes?) and we traded. went out for a cigarette without asking and got in trouble, but while my manager was telling me off also told me i was one of his best servers, one of his favourites and good with big groups. he said i was lucky otherwise he would've gone off at me harder. i wasn't impressed. or they think i'm innocent and don't want to hurt my feelings by letting me down softly? that's what my mind just concocted but... i don't think so.
finished late (say... 11:30 ish) and $20 richer. figured i didn't want to go to winston hills and headed home... happily conversing (for some reason i was really talkative today) with josh and every once in a while i'd pat the spot where my baby lay... calling me to listen to it.
got home. home to a wonderfully clean room and back to my p00ter. that was at 12 and now it's 4. i should really sleep but i keep on having more and then lighting a cigarette. and i'm stuck in that endless cycle. but this will be my last cigarette. and then sleep.

goodnight. i probably should have read that over.

[Current mood: high]
[Current music: beautiful collision - bic runga]

2006-04-12T00:41:00.000+10:00

First and foremost I'm sitting here extremely pissed off. It's fucking 12:40am and I want to go the fuck home. I should have just fucking walked. FUCKING OATH. I wanted to sleep early... I have to wake the fuck early tomorrow to go to fucking work... I want to take a shower... I feel icky from work today - no wait - YESTERDAY! Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck this... I want to go home... I can't even get into fucking contact with my father. I want to scream... and the more I type about it the harder I hit the keys on the keyboard and the more I get worked up about it.

*breathes*

Besides that... I was sitting and listening to my current favourite song (Jason Mraz - I'm Yours) and looking up at the stars while waiting at Ermington (waiting... always waiting) and I saw a shooting star! That made my night. It made me smile... I felt like it was some sort of sign... for what, I don't know... but something positive. I just thought I'd mention how randomly happy that made me.

Weird... I'm actually updating this... probably because I have nothing better to do. Actually now I find I'm writing everywhere but my diary... weird.

2006-04-10T19:46:00.000+10:00

So I won't hesitate
No more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm yours

[Jason Mraz - I'm Yours]

I've been too fucked off my face to properly think about the events of Saturday night... but now I'm coming down and there's a perfectly good broadband connection right here. By the way... the song I've quoted up there is one of the most sweetest songs ever. Currently in love with it. Just had to mention how awesome it is =)

I ended up drinking, not that I said that I wouldn't, but I really have to sit down and make myself drink nowadays and that's if I want to get trashed... I'm not sure what it was that set me off... could have been Sam, could have been Josh... maybe both. So maybe I was pissed off but I knew I shouldn't have been so one hand reached for a shot glass and the other for some random Russian alcohol.

5 shots and a billion cigarettes later, my mind switched to power-tripping/predatory mode. Just when Jared and Lisa got there too. So I got the hot Russian chick then proceeded to ask permission from both parties (Lisa and Josh) and next thing I knew I was making out with Jared... then Lisa, Hanya (sorry... don't know how to spell that), Grace and the random Russian guy.

I don't ever want to that again. Ever. It's always good fun at the time, while I'm drunk and not thinking about how I'd feel about it all later... but then for a few days after I'm still thinking about it. But the overall outcome was positive (to the point of cornyness) I guess... I mean that all of that made me realise how much I actually do like Josh, why waste time making out with other people (who don't compare)?

I'm not making sense and I'm starting to sound horribly... obsessive/sweet/corny etc. Whatever you want to call it. *big ass sigh*

Oh and I've figured out what would make me jealous... it was when I was off my face last night and listening to Mr. Brightside. I can't stand the thought of Josh being with someone the way he is with me... physically and/or emotionally. Well not physically physically... like... if I imagine him grabbing someones ass with the same kind of desire/enthusiasm etc. that he does with me... or him being particularly affectionate with anyone... like when he kisses me on the forehead... or even kissing someone else the way he kisses me... but then I don't know if that's in my head that there's actually more to the kiss... more meaning... god... the more I try to explain it the more it doesn't make sense at all. Well -I- think that he doesn't/hasn't/didn't kiss anyone else with the same kind of... feeling(?)/emotion(?) (If you can call it that) that he does with me. Well that's what I'm hoping. Okay... I'll stop... at least it makes sense to me.

What else? I actually thought of a whole shitload to say but I don't want to... because. I'll sound stupid and insecure as per usual... so fuck that.

And on that note, goodnight.

All the way now,
Can't you see I'm falling
All the way down
And all around yeah
Oh and it's okay
I wouldn't say I'm lonely
More just alone
Cause you see
I want you

[Killing Heidi - Undertow]

P.S. Re-falling in love with this song again too...

2006-04-03T21:04:00.000+10:00

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cos it hurts

I'm sitting here... amazingly still drug fucked out of my mind. I'm falling in love with this song all over again... it's just so passionate, sad and sexy all at the same time. God. I can't stop thinking about him either... today was just... unexplainably awesome. The weather was perfect. The surroundings were calm. We lay in the grass for forever. We talked... it was sweet. He was sweet. I can still feel his nails running across my skin slowly... We kissed so gently, so sensually... I just can't explain how much I felt that moment. I wish we could have stayed there forever. I wish we had all the time in the world to pretend like we're all that's in it.

But that moment is gone... just a far away memory...

2006-03-26T18:23:00.000+11:00

It's weird how I have so many things floating around in my brain but I haven't had the chance to write any of it down. Maybe because I still don't fully understand all of it... how can I explain things that I don't get myself? I guess I can try... no promises that it will make sense though...

(20.03)

I'll start with Sunny. So... random messaging with him turned into a full blown conversation on the phone one night. It reminded me of all the times that I'd opened up to random people. It's so much easier... they barely know you plus they put forward a new perspective. Also, it's not that you don't care about what they think, but you don't care too much for it to fuck you up in one way or another.

He brought something new to the table though. I found out later it wasn't what Josh had said but more what Sunny had assumed or thought because he couldn't imagine it to be any other way. But it helped nonetheless. I still don't quite get how it helped me... it just did. He thought that Josh was just putting me on a guilt trip and that he was mostly just acting that way because that's how you're supposed to react. I didn't know whether to believe him or not at the time, but somehow it made me feel better. I felt a bit foolish... because if that was the case... then I was the biggest fool ever. And in turn that made me angry. But I thought twice about it and there was no way that it could have been just a guilt trip... then I felt guilty for even thinking him capable of that. But... it kinda knocked me back up again. Being a bit angry at him for those few seconds, even though now I don't think it's true, reminded me that I shouldn't have to punish myself forever and be this sad mess following him around and catering to his every whim to try and make up for it. I guess Sunny's different perspective also let me step back and actually look at everything. And all of this somehow just let me let it go...

As for what I said above... my gut tells me I'm forgiven but the deeds are not forgotten and never will be.

So now we're moving forward again...

(Back to present date...)

It felt different for me this time. We were sitting on the play equipment bridge under the dark cloudy sky that was threatening to rain down on us (and did for a bit) with mosquitoes eating us alive... but for me, it couldn't have been sweeter. He cupped my face and kissed me tenderly... it was slow and meaningful... nevermind that I had to occasionally pull away to slap my leg or arm... it didn't matter. It was like... no, it IS like we both want more from each other. I don't exactly know what we're both waiting for though... all I know is that it is moving in that direction and... I like it.

2006-03-17T18:00:00.000+11:00

I wrote this before but never had the chance to put it up... so I'm putting it up now, now being the 26.03...

Even though he acts normal sometimes a slip of the tongue leads me to believe that he still hurts... that he's still angry (which I'm sure he is). But I'm not sure if it's just me taking things more personally than I should in an attempt to punish myself.

It was the little comments that upset me today. They remind me that I hurt him. I don't know if he even realises that he's doing it... I just give him this look and I don't know what he thinks I'm thinking. What I'm thinking is; are you saying this on purpose? Are you saying this to hurt me... to get back at me indirectly?

And I keep remembering what he said about me never knowing what he felt/feels on this topic. He'd never tell me and never bring it up again. So I think for a while I'll be taking things a little personally because in the back of my mind I'll be thinking, has he forgiven me yet? I think once I feel that all those comments lack underlying meanings and accusations and purposeful reminders... I'll believe that he's forgiven me. But again, I'll never know for sure when that will be. I'll just have to trust my gut on this one.

2006-03-16T02:18:00.000+11:00

So I'm finally here, sitting in front of the computer, oddly relevant music playing much too loudly in my ears. I'm in one of those moods where I want to fall into my music and drown in it. The turn of events play over and over in my head but I find I'm not sure how to word it... so I'm just writing it as it comes to mind. For his benefit, I'm going to continue to write as though he may never see it. Also at the end I'll re-post the entry I deleted about him.

Much has been said...

Most of what I remember about sitting at that random bus stop was the look in his eyes as he stared me down. He may not have said it all, but every fibre of my being could feel the anger and pain directed toward me. I didn't even have the guts to look in his eyes, I just let him talk and covered my face with my jacket and agreed. I can't get that look in his eyes out of my head... or the tone of his voice for that matter. Everything accusing even if it wasn't meant to be. Everything testing me and my reactions. The whole time I felt like I was a lab rat being put through a labyrinth not knowing which direction was right or wrong, what the consequences would be for picking a particular turn and what the scientist was looking for.

I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't - No

It didn't help that I hadn't had a chance to clarify and sort and reflect on my feelings and what I might say to him today. Lots of what I said folded in on itself and/or didn't make sense at all. I stumbled and left thoughts unfinished with "I dunno..." And whenever I did that I would briefly remember what my father said about never not knowing, just finding answers and conclusions that you didn't agree with or didn't like.

I remember just staring away from his intense gaze. I didn't really know what to say at any given point in time. It was generally the same shit going around in my head.

This mirrors an open door I can barely stand to see myself I don't know what to do anymore...

This is one situation where I'm not sure if I'm beating myself up inside more than the other person is mad at me. Usually I give myself the worse time. He didn't have to say a thing, but his silence said enough. But I think he knew I had the potential to punish myself more than he would even want to punish me. That's a lot of the reason I wanted him to be mad at me. I wanted, no I think I still need to hear what I deserve, because (I can't believe I'm saying this... but it's easier when writing and it's to no one in particular and to no ones face) otherwise I'll always be plagued by the thought that I don't deserve... whatever, him, happiness etc. And if I feel that I've gotten what I deserve I can pick myself back up and finally let go of it without guilt that I'm letting it go too soon... without feeling that I'm forgiving myself too soon. I'll never forgive myself until I feel that I have been forgiven... But I suppose today's strained conversation was a bit of a punishment.

(I had to pause my train of thought because I moved. Now I'm sitting in the other house... where it's darker and quieter. This moment is being ruined. I'm talking to Gajan and he's playing stupid. I don't see why I have to relive that night by spelling it out to him because he doesn't "remember.")

Caught up against the wall again
Tied my chain to the ball again
It never seems to amaze my mind

It wasn't just once. You'd think I'd learn, and many times throughout the night it was pointed out that once would have been enough. It's little bitter, resentful, accusing things that were said tonight that will stick. They'll forever be in the back of my mind replaying over and over serving as a constant reminder that of the pain I cause/d him... even if he never says a word for as long as we live.

That triggered so many thoughts in my mind, one which was already discussed; my insecurities. I refuse to relive them again and I refuse to use them as an excuse. It's still a work in progress... it's still something that I haven't grasped about myself or maybe I have and I just don't like the answer...

Maybe I secretly enjoy the drama. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe because I thought things were too good to be true. Maybe, out of sick, morbid curiosity, I wanted to see what would happen. Maybe I'm just straight out fucked. Maybe I just can't say no (because I enjoy the attention but that just goes back to my insecurities). I don't even know what it was that let me do it numerous times. I don't know why I couldn't stop myself. All I know is that there is nothing I can say or do to change it. I know/think that it is 100% my fault no matter what anyone says (and I'm not looking for pity... that's the last thing I want right now... or ever, I'm just saying what I feel) because most of all if I really wanted to stop I could/would have, with or without alcohol.

I've thought about this so much... since it began. It's gotten to the point where one thought/excuse/theory chases another around and around in my head and I make no progress, get frustrated then I put a stop to it all... push it back. Why do I do this to myself?

When you're young you have this image of your life,
And you make boundaries you never dream to cross,
And if you happen to, you'll wake completely lost.

My capabilities never cease to amaze and horrify me. The fact that I went on normally and gave nothing away terrifies me yet puts me in awe. I draw out these lines and boundaries only to break them and confuse myself about what I feel, my morals (if I have any) and values. This isn't the first time I've crossed a boundary for reasons unknown.

So is it better to tell and hurt, or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is, don't do it in the first place.

Fear, cowardice, whatever and all of the above. Reminds me of what my father said to me after we watched "Closer." I can't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of whether or not to lie or come clean. Whether relieving your guilt is worth losing the person you love. Whether it's better to "protect" the person you love from that information. Or are you doing it for your own benefit... for your own selfish reasonings?

My fear of losing him was my biggest fear of all and is most of the reason that stopped me from telling him. I think he understands that part... I hope he does...

"Cut and bruised by the fall again.
Lick my wounds like a dog again.
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel
That I see I see, please let it be but don't"

Those lyrics remind me of him - another reason why I didn't tell him. As soon as those words left his mouth that night about Sunny and Gajan... It only pushed me further away from telling him because I knew I would be forever slotted into that category. I would be another person to tick off his list of people-who-i've-trusted-and-it's-blown-up-in-my-face. That was the last thing I wanted, for him to have doubts in his mind about me... because even after all this there is no reason to doubt me. This is the only thing I have – and ever will – decieve him about. Decieve is such a horrible word. And I didn't want to fuck him up even more about his trust issues. It's like I proved him right about people screwing him over. I wanted to be the one who changed his cynical view about people in general... make it easier for him to open up in future to other people because at least he would know that not EVERYONE screws him over. But I did...

"And it's taken all I have not to give myself away,
And it seems to be getting closer within each and everyday,
And I have to hold on to my emotions as they stray..."

These lyrics serve two purposes. One is to describe him again... to start my train of thought about another reason why I didn't tell him. These aren't excuses by the way, I have to keep clarifying because I hate it when people try and justify and excuse themselves (even though in a way that is what I'm doing and what I do, but lets not go into the hypocricy of that; they're explanations, not excuses).

The other purpose is to describe me and what I felt in the moments before telling him... and all the other things that happened before then... and all those times I could have told him but didn't... and everything that has built up before I came clean...

But I couldn't gauge his reaction. Well I kind of could predict it but even the tiniest possibility of the worst reaction possible kept me in check. That added to my reasonings.

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems...

I don't know much I just realised... because I always start my sentences about him with "I don't know if..." I suspect... I don't know. Like the lyrics above... he doesn't give himself away easily. That was just an after thought. I'll start again with what I was originally going to say.

I don't know if he grasped how much it meant to me that by the end of the night he was still holding my hand... still hugging me... still talking to me... still there with me. That in itself... I don't know. Maybe he can't grasp it because I haven't yet either. It's just... the implications of the fact that he talked it through with me. The meaning of it all... the meaning of us (to him) stood completely bared and vulnerable. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.

It takes a lot of courage on his part to allow himself to trust me again... or at least allow himself to give me that chance to prove myself. Actually... that shows me that there's still trust there. That's what it is. It's the fact that he let me back in again. I probably can't even begin to comprehend what that means for him and what kind of inner struggles he faced and how much courage it took him. That's probably what amazes me the most. That he talked it through with me and pretty much gave me himself again. He's letting me back into a position which allows me to hurt him again, trusting that I won't. I think that takes a lot from someone like him.

That's probably what will get me past all of this. It kind of eliminates some doubts and insecurities in my mind in a way. That kind of effort, on his part, will always be on my mind so even if he is still pissed off at me... I'll know that he still likes me a lot and it kind of didn't change anything on that front.

---

So now it's almost two in the morning and I feel somewhat better because stuff is now out there and because it is, it's so much clearer. I know that a lot of that should have been said when I was with him... but it's so hard to word it and it's so hard to say it to him... and I could be wrong. Everything I say is based on one assumption or another on my observations on him and I could be wrong!

To think that I've written all of that and I know for a fact that not EVERYTHING is sorted... I have more to say... (only a bit... not another freakin' essay... I think) but now I'm just really exhausted.

I'm not going to read over it because if I read over it I'll probably change something.

Night.
~MEi

2006-03-06T02:34:00.000+11:00

Hello world! *waves*

I haven't updated this thing in so long... and reading back I can see why... I really shouldn't publicise the fact that I'm the biggest loser ever. *sigh* I have so many contradicting, hypocritical, confusing and just plain stupid entries in here. And now YOU'RE going to read it. Yes you.

Anyway... a general update? I can't write properly knowing that this is now going to clash with the real world... not that this isn't real... but... meh... it makes sense to me. ANYWAY (for real this time), gained a boyfriend, still working, still partying... currently enjoying life, probably too much... just waiting for something to go wrong... no wait... I'm supposed to be optimistic right? Which I am... in a highly realistic way... lalala... Okay that's it... I find that I've really got nothing to say... everything that I need to say is said or written in my precious diary. And now I can't update this safely =P No offense or anything... it doesn't mean no trust... I swear.

love MEi =)

2005-11-01T04:20:00.000+11:00

Subject: "This sure beats pizza!"
Feeling: Uberly funky like a spunky monkey.
Listening to: Eskimo Joe - Seven Veils

After everything... he still wants to see me again. I'm still reeling at that fact... not that anything particularly bad has happened, actually, nothing bad has happened*. I'm just insecure** and at the same time elated that someone is interested in me. Life is so awesome right now... all I can say is... this sure beats pizza!

*I like the way his mouth tastes... the way his bottom lip feels... the way he smiled up at me... how sometimes we'd kiss really passionately and uncontrollably and then just really soft (with no tongue) and affectionately... I liked the way I fit into his arms... I liked the way he was really sweet... I liked the way he was really forceful (yay I don't have to be the dominant one... too much)... I liked how he traced the back of my hand with his fingertips... the list goes on because nothing like this ever happens to me. Oh but I especially like the way everything is meaningful. =)

**Is this serious? Does he really like me? Am I going to get hurt? Will he play me? I don't want to let on how much I like him... I'm so going to get hurt... There are better people out there and he still picks me... etc.

2005-09-30T17:34:00.000+10:00

Subject: Confusion: Affection Whore?

The afternoon started innocently enough. How I wished I'd stayed by Jess's side the entire night. But I couldn't. It fuelled my anger and insecurities. Putting it in those words provoke the emotions I felt last night.

I want to write about last night but it's making me angry and upset. I need to build a bridge and get over it (and myself).

2005-09-22T22:32:00.000+10:00

Subject: Narrative Update

I was sitting at town hall, swinging my legs absentmindedly, cigarette in one hand, some form of food in the other, earphones in my ears and eyes to the big blue sky. My world has completely changed in such a short space of time. There's a feeling in my gut that I haven't felt in so long, when suddenly it hits me. I'm actually happy.

The music my discman chooses on shuffle matches my mood and the weather. I bounce to my music and smile and laugh to myself, not caring whether people think I'm crazy... maybe I am! But I feel king shit and that's what matters.

2005-09-19T22:53:00.000+10:00

Subject: Updaaaaaaaaate! Bout damn time too!
Feeling: Crappy
Listening to: Snickers commercial (You have dishonoured us!!!)

Hmm... what was up with that comment on my last entry? Online personal's? No thankyou! Anyway, still haven't achieved any of my goals, only starting to get comfortable in my new life. I think I might move in with my father due to the lack of freedom I have here, the only problem is, I want my own computer, not that I have one here, but anyway... yeah.

Work is good. The people are good. Had my first evaluation and I did crap, but hey, how was I supposed to know? I'll do better next time, fow shizzle mahnizzle!

Umm... I'm online a whole lot more now, I think someone *looks at Opto accusingly* tricked me and ensured that I'd be online a lot. Not that I mind it too much, I just tend to feel guilty at my absences due to my life.

What else? I'm sick right now. Yay! NOT! I hate feeling sick... yuck yuck yuck. Erm... that's about it really. I could go in much detail about stuff... or I could not. I choose the latter because I'm lazy.

Goodnight.

2005-08-28T22:08:00.000+10:00

I want to run away to England and live happily ever after.

Oh well.

2005-08-27T18:09:00.000+10:00

Subject: Like a train on tracks.
Feeling: Bouncy!!! *boing*
Hearing: Let Me Be With You - Round Table

Well... to stop all those advice giving posts and to update everyone on what's going on, here I am! I left school not the last Wednesday, but the one before that. It was all very surreal and I suppose it still is. Lots of the same reactions and questions. Now here I am and I feel good. I don't regret it. I start my new job not tomorrow but the next Sunday and it'll be mighty fun! Hmm... so life is moving forward and I'm content right now.

2005-08-08T22:31:00.000+10:00

Subject: Ah... the trials and tribulations.
Mood: Distressed
Hearing: SOAD - B.Y.O.B.

I know nobody reads this... but I feel the need to discuss this topic with no one in particular; I'm thinking about leaving school. Yes I've gone through the pros and cons and I can see the benefits of staying... but is it worth the unhappiness? Isn't my happiness more important than education? I can always resume study when I'm ready, when I'm more motivated. I want to do it on my own terms. I'm intelligent. I know what I'm capable of. I'm comfortable with myself to know that I'll make it in whatever I choose to do it, but I need to do it when I want to. *shrug* I don't know! I'm so conflicted right now. And I know a lot of people would prefer me to just sit through it and bear it... but why? When I'll probably just screw it up. That's a year and a half of my life wasted. I'd rather think about what I want to do while earning money and doing what I want to.

I feel like I've lost control of my life. I'm floating around with no goal and completely unmotivated. If I do this... I'll feel like I'm grabbing some shred of my life back.

But I don't know if I'm doing this for the right reasons yet.

I'm so scared though.

2005-08-04T22:46:00.000+10:00

Subject: Wake up! It is time to occur!
Feeling like: Artistic
Listening to: Thicke - Brand New Jones

Hrm... Damn Mish and her good links... and... damn me and my subconscious self-sabotaging-ness. I hate me. I am my own arch rival!!! Aiieee! Anyway, I really have nothing intelligible to say... so I'll just say goodnight. Oh and...

From Otaku Avatar Maker

Goodnighty-night-night!

2005-08-02T22:09:00.000+10:00

Subject: A day surfing blogger... and other thoughts
Feeling: Melancholy.
Hearing: Jack Johnson - Cupid

Well I spent majority of today surfing blogger... just clicking next. (Mini bitch: So many bad colour schemes coupled with ugly fonts and "ppl who tok lyk dis n tink der fuli sik". I can stand it to an extent... as long as it's legible. If it takes me more than 3 takes to try and decipher what it says, then it pisses me off. aLsO iT iS sO nOt CoOL tO TyPE liKE tHiS. It just makes it even harder for me to read... and usually the people who type like that also talk "lyk dis". I used to do it. But that was when I was THIRTEEN! Also, I'm not elitist and I'm not saying that my design is perfect and/or the best - it's not. But... are people colour blind?!?! Oh and I'm not saying my English is perfect either... but I try! I really do. Speaking of which... funny article about the disintregration of the English language here. < / end rant >) Funny... I was going to talk about how, when I was looking at everyones blogs, they all write the same and as though lots of people care. But here I am putting up links to articles as though people read mine and care. Ah well. That didn't make any sense... I didn't know how to word it... how people write to cater for so many...

Oh so it's not all about bitching, I ran into some very amusing blogs. Maybe later I'll put proper links to them, but for now, I'm not so sure.

http://theconcretedonkey.blogspot.com/
A teachers funny musings...

http://mixtape-uk.blogspot.com/
The way this guy writes is amusing...

http://weili929.blogspot.com/
Just cute to look at... that's all.

http://sketchnframe.blogspot.com/
Just the first entry amused me...

http://zayzayem.blogspot.com/
An Aussie guy in Japan. Lots of typos but amusing nonetheless.

That's about all I really wanted to say. I just felt like conforming to all that "catering writing" (I don't know what else to call it...) and typing some nice long and procrastinatory entry.

2005-08-01T19:34:00.000+10:00

Did anyone else realise how hot Jake Gyllenhaal is?

2005-08-01T19:18:00.000+10:00

Subject: Let's give love a try...
Mood: Irate
Music: Beyonce ft. Luther Vandross - The Closer I Get

*sigh* Well... today was unproductively productive. I added "t3h s3x0r" part of my blog... heh... looking at all those pictures... But anyway... yeah. What else? I've gone through ALL of my old entries. Fuck that took long and I can't believe I bothered to. I just moved the important ones into this blog... but I suppose it doesn't really matter considering I'm keeping the other one intact. One day I think I'm going to print out all of my entries and put them somewhere, just so I have them. Why? Because... I don't know! Because I want to!

I feel like something sweet to drink... like coke... or... chocolate milk... or something. What else??? That's all really... just updating for the sake of updating. I could go on about how fast time has gone... but I won't... since I go on about time far too much. *sigh's again* I think my next update will be something narrative... haven't done that in a while. I'm not very good at it but oh well.

Lurrv Arrlexxer

2005-07-27T22:44:00.000+10:00

Subject: *one fucking big sigh*
Feeling: Scared
Hearing: Korn - Freak On A Leash

Heyyy. I'm tired, stressed, demotivated and everything else that you can think of that's negative. Life is crazy. This is my first official entry, so I'm making it a non-narrative, proper one. Man. I don't really know what to say. I'm scared? Yes. I'm afraid of everything. The future and what it holds mostly. This is why I like looking back on the past. Things that have already happened, safe and known. I like change, but the future is just too incomprehensible at the moment.

Yeah. I can't believe that I actually went through all of the last year and half's entries on my livejournal. I only backlogged the important events that actually made sense. Not the meme's or the ones that were in the moment, describing what I felt.

Reading back on everything is really nostalgic. I remembered when I started smoking. The promises I make every year... the same ones. My past new years. Just... everything. It seems so far away... and it is, but it isn't, if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway... I better get some sleep.

P.S. The music just changed to, Cruisin - Gwyneth Paltrow and that guy... man... what an old song!!!

2005-07-26T23:51:00.000+10:00

Subject: Yet another bloody test.
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Natalie Imbruglia - Slow Down

Yep... exactly what it says. *die div layers die*

EDIT: Well... I'm relatively happy with what I can do here at blogspot. So with the combination of blogspot and photobucket, I can happily have all the userpics I want as well as a gallery and MY OWN LAYOUT! So, as soon as everything I want up and running, is, up and running, I shall attempt the tedious task of going through all of my old entries on http://www.livejournal.com/~meiyume and then deciding which ones to backlog onto here. Although doing all of this is really... a procrastinatory tool, it's making me happy and right now, it's what I need. Designing this is allowing me to focus on something other than my life at the present. Tweaking the minor things is letting me have control of something. An abstract escape of sorts. I've lost control of majority of the aspects of my life and I hate it. I keep trying to find my footing but something or someone always knocks me back down again. *sigh* I'm really trying.
Anyway, this has become an entry rather than an edit so... I shall say goodbye and save all of this for another time.

2005-07-24T16:01:00.000+10:00

Subject: Procrastination. Fun word, fun activity.
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Aaliyah - Don't Worry

Procrastination. Fun word, fun activity. Especially if you have other things that need to be done. Right at this moment, I'm writing a completely pointless (and procrastinatory) entry to yet another online blog. Well... it's not entirely pointless. It's to test what this is going to look like. I'm still unsure about whether to change to this journal now (I keep thinking LJ... but it's GJ... which sounds lame-AS) simply because, without having to pay, I'm allowed to have more userpics and it actually allows you to upload photos. But I've been with my sweet, loyal and faithful LJ for almost 3 years. I have a lot of stuff in there I'm not willing to move and backdate. So... for now, this is just a test. If I disappear it's because I've gone running back to my good 'ole LJ.

Right now, I'm supposed to be doing various homeworks. But I'm not. Yay for me. Oh and yay for double negatives.

EDIT: This entry sounds a bit strange because it was originally from greatestjournal.com. I have no idea if that makes any sense to you now... but yeah.

2005-07-10T14:04:00.000+10:00

The last 24hrs have been abso-fucking-lutely fantastic! Hehe... Booze/Smokes, Lisa and 3 new albums have been added to my collection. I don't think it could get any better than that. =)

2005-07-04T17:39:00.000+10:00

Why can't people tell me things straight out?

and...

"Let's not do this..." He whispered into my ear as he pulled me closer.

"Do... what?" I managed to ask, but I was so quiet and shocked that he probably didn't hear me.

Dreams are stupid.

2005-06-30T03:46:00.000+10:00

Subject: Oh look now, there you go with hope again...

I stood outside, on the balcony, Vindicated playing in the background and rain pouring steadily in front of me. The cold wind blew into my face and I felt strangely refreshed. But at the same time... it didn't blow all my troubles away. I realised then that no matter how hard I wish, I couldn't wish time backwards and do things all over again. I could only make up for it by living in the present.
I wish I could walk out there with the cold rain falling on me to help me wash away my past... or wash me away into the past.

Living in the present is hard. Right now, trying to cry is harder.

2005-05-19T08:42:00.000+10:00

Subject: I hate to show that I've lost control...
Current Mood: Indescribable

I sit here, emotions leaking through the cracks in my shield. I can't face anybody right now, not when I feel so vulnerable and not when I've lost control of my emotions. So I sit here slowly patching the leaks in my emotional barrier.

2005-05-18T22:15:00.000+10:00

Subject: But nothing cures the hurt you bring on by yourself...
Current Mood: Depressed

I forced them back. The tears that I'd been trying to cry for days. But walking home, the hot tears fell from my eyes. I sat down and I cried for everything. Everything in my life that was wrong. I cried because at that moment I felt truly alone. I felt disappointment and disgust in myself. I felt guilt and regret. I cried for my wrong doing. I cried for my laziness in school and the consequences of it. I cried for my loss of a relationship that meant so much more than I could admit to myself. I cried for hurting the people that meant so much to me. I cried for bringing it onto myself. I cried because it feels as though nothing could ever be right again. But I deserved everything I got and I felt like I didn't have a right to cry. I guess I cried for that too.

Time will make things right again, but right now, it doesn't feel like that.

2005-04-04T17:50:00.000+10:00

Subject: And Again.

Confused memories of an array of swearing from many mouths including my own. Emotional "I love you's" as we tell each others story's... More licking of hands and sucking of lemons. Then one of us leaves but...
More memories are added and the only purpose they serve is to haunt me and confuse me further.

2005-02-19T01:11:00.000+11:00

Subject: So kiss me hard, 'cos this will be the last time that I let you.

The music starts and everyone spills out onto the dancefloor. It's another world. The dimmed lights and passionate music fill me to the brim as I look into the eyes of my partner. It's like five minutes straight of lying. I'm held close and my glances are returned the way I'd like them to be. But then the music ends and we return to reality. It's the world laughing in my face.

2005-02-11T20:13:00.000+11:00

As life slows down before my eyes, I breathe a sigh and look to the sky. The dull grey stillness seems to reflect my mood even though I can't quite identify what I'm feeling. Due to recent turns of events and conversations about these turns of events, my identity has slipped further from me. The lines between who I am, who I want to be and who I don't want to be have been blurred. Sharp criticism has made me withdraw and look at myself. Denial? I'm not sure. All I know is, I don't know how to be anything or anyone else. There's no part of me left to hold onto so I can (return to?) be(ing?) what is expected of me at age. I don't think that part of me ever existed. But what is expected of me at this age? I really do believe I would have been this way anyway, minus the experiences on my belt.

2005-02-06T17:17:00.000+11:00

Happy 18th Marc! =)

2005-01-31T15:45:00.000+11:00

Subject: eeenough!

Okay... just a quick break from my narrative self. I feel like being me for a second =). Let's see... first day of school today. It was fantastic. I'm...excited. Ready to be motivated. Ready for anything...well most things... that senior life is going to throw at me. I cannot fail.

And the first thing on my to-do list is to clean my room. If I can't even be bothered to do that then how will I get my act together? I need to prove myself to myself. I know I can do it. I'm so incredibly ready. And if anyone sees me slacking off... kick my ass into gear please. =). This is the rest of my life...kinda... and I need work hard so more opportunities and options will open up for my future.

I can so do this.

<3 (less than three) Alex!

2005-01-30T01:00:00.000+11:00

Subject: Too many stolen glances.

There I was, the whole night, just sitting and observing. Every now and then, probably more often and obvious than I'd like, I'd glance in his direction. His eyes would meet mine and most of the time, I'd look away first. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

Then in the car, with his crazy driving, just us. Silences filled with him making casual chit-chat. Why is it when I meet someone I like I can't seem to find anything to say? Every now and then I'd look at him from the corner of my eye, willing something to happen. But next thing I knew we were outside of my house. I kissed him on the cheek when really I wanted to gently touch his chin and look into his eyes and kiss him sensually goodbye.

There are too many things in this world that I want but can't have. Why can't I be normal? But then... I wouldn't be me now would I?

2005-01-27T19:34:00.000+11:00

Subject: Japan reflection.

An overall fantastic trip spent with the randomest of people. Many little stories weaving in and out of the bigger picture of sight seeing and other touristy activities. It was one of the longest and earthiest ten days of my life. I say earthiest simply because it's easy to forget that there are some people out there who won't like you (and sometimes I am not the centre of attention). It forced me to shut up for a while and observe. I was one in a group of twelve but I was walking along the streets of Kyoto, Tokyo and Shizuoka completely alone. However, toward the end I did make great friends, but deep down I knew that I much would have rathered spending this trip with the people I had left here in Australia.

2005-01-24T12:35:00.000+11:00

The words flew out of my mouth before I could even stop them and I stood terrified as she paused for a few seconds. I breathe out a sigh as she finally replies, "No". If she had paused any longer I would have ran all the way home and banged my head against a table til night came. But moments later, I push the secret out of her and as usual, I regret having to force such information. But it's always too late and before I realise I should bite my tongue, the seriousness of the news is floating in the air creating an awkwardly thick silence.

My mind was bubbling as I walked away from the scene. Unfortunately things like that happen to so many people. I admire her strength.

2005-01-23T15:48:00.000+11:00

Subject: Dear lie, you suck.

The intense look in his eyes captured me, filled with his clear intentions as he leaned closer to me. His soft lips were pressed against mine, his tongue sensually exploring my mouth. All my passion poured into his soul and in turn his passion drowned me. I could feel my world crumbling around me, leaving the two of us, standing alone in this moment.

Now only a fading vision, a false memory, I find it hard to believe it wasn't real. Every touch, look and feeling in that moment was everything I'd wished for and it happened but it didn't.

2004-11-14T19:05:00.000+11:00

Subject: I had a wonderful weekend.
Current Mood: Content
Current Music: Limp Bizkit - Faith

It stretched over the whole weekend, it was splendiforous (however you spell that...)! People arrived slowly but surely. Finally when everyone was there and we were waiting for the food to cook we decided to play handball... in the dark... of a green tennis court. So we all kept getting out because we had no depth perception. Then we ate and then... then... I think we proceeded to play pictionary. How very typical, but very fun. People began disappearing... well just M and Becca... but still. Eventually we got bored of pictionary and went for a nice walk. I couldn't remember the short way to the park so we took the long way... it's the funky mad park with the spinny things that are hard to describe unless you've seen them. I spun myself sick... literally. Apparently I'm pro... but anyway... eventually we decided to go and I was feeling all confident so we took the short way back... but I couldn't remember it properly so it took us bloody long to get back. We went around and around in circles... but hey... fun to be had by everyone... right? When we got back (finally) Marc and Lana looked suspicious... as though they'd had a quiche or something... but later on a figure out that she was actually having some problems with a friend of hers and Marc was comforting her. Then somehow... we all established ourselves around the living room and ended up playing a bit of random taboo and then truth or dare in which we discovered nothing particularly interesting or new but Marty gained a hickey and Lisa didn't even though she should have. And who else would have given away hickey's for a limited time only but Lana. Then for some reason we made them pash for 15 seconds... but hey they did it and we all think Prashant was getting off to it... but let's not go there. Hmm... we also had alcohol... not much though... there was 9 of us and not much alcohol... perhaps...20-25? Just lolly water though... and I like lolly water... so sue me. Didn't get drunk... didn't even get tipsy... but I did have... 4 I think. Finally... sleepyness took over and I fell asleep at about...6am... woke up at 8am... and finally we got our asses in to gear and we ate a little and went swimming... which we were meant to do at 6... but hey... we were dead. So right now I'm running on two hours of sleep... I feel strangely... wired. Anyway... so we had our fun in the pool... and it was our little group of me, Lisa, Jess, Rebecca and Prashant. Got bored of the pool and moved into the sauna... this is where it gets rather interesting...ish... actually... let's keep what happened in there a mystery... hehe. Makes you think doesn't it? Not really? Oh well. We ate lunch and people were starting to disappear while all my friends talked to my mum all about society and other intellectual topics. Then at about 4 we decided to get out of my dad's house and move to my mum's house... and there we played mario party on n64 and then they left. That was roughly an hour ago. And now is now.

I feel like I've swallowed a million razors and my voice is really cool... I hope I lose it by tomorrow. Yay! I never lose my voice. However... it does hurt... ouchie.

Hmmm that's about it for now... I couldn't be bothered to go on and on about my bday but I can tell you that it was mightily kama-sutronic.

Love Alex.

2004-11-12T17:29:00.000+11:00

Hello hello hello!

It's been a long..ish time. And now... I'm 16... don't f*ck with me... even though you can now... limited time only "purenty fow eburyone" (quote Avya). Hehe...

All I have to say is... life is good. I'm gonna play more computer games because I don't have my report or school cert to worry about! Also.. I'm FINALLY going to take my site out of hiatus status and fix it up and make it all pretty =).

That is all.

P.S. I am 16... woo...

2004-11-11T00:00:00.000+11:00

Happy birthday to ME! Happy birthday to ME!
I am now sweet sixteen!
Happy birthday to ME!

2004-09-18T20:40:00.000+10:00

Subject: Blah. Gah. *Scream* FRUSTRATION!
Current Mood: Pissed Off
Current Music: Tamia - Officially Missing You

Long time no proper update. Right now I don't know whether to laugh or cry... or to do both. On the one hand... yes, he does like me and it's out in the open now and all... but on the other... we both know that he's "bound by his relationship" and I feel as if there's nothing I can do but wait... if it ever does end. So be happy that he does like me or be sad that he's not supposed to? Or both? I don't know! I'm so confused... I get so many mixed signals from him it's crazy. I think he wants me to call him... I think he wants me to like him... but maybe it's just me? I don't know! GAH! I'm so lost... but at least I can be happy at the fact that someone out there actually likes me... might possibly even think of me... all I can do is hope that something goes wrong while they're on their holiday... no... that's bitchy of me... oh fuck that... I want to be a bitch. Knowing what I know I want more now... now that I know the truth... it's like... in some oddly odd way there's some hope... god damn the circumstances... god damn it all. I finally like someone decent who fucking likes me back... fuck fuck fuck... that's right I'm fucking mad. One is gay, one is married, one lives on the other side of the world and now this... fucking oath. Someone somewhere up there doesn't want me to be in a relationship.

Okay this post ended up more negative than I expected... *breathes*
Hehe... it's okay... I'm fine... really...

Hm...

2004-07-24T18:15:00.000+10:00

Subject:
Current Mood: Weird
Current Music: System Of A Down - Chop Suey

Hrm... interesting day... very... interesting. I had funny realisations today, but I don't feel like going into detail... well I do but... yeah this is online etc. Went to the city with Jess, did the typical; played DDR and spot the difference, and met Tommyla... then we went back to Eastwood and had fun with a camera... kinky ei? hehe... just kidding... we were filming stuff for Jess' commerce assignment... bahaha... funny yet odd day.

Conclusion: Wow... I'm such an attention whore =)

Going to party soon... hope it'll be fun...

2004-05-05T18:09:00.000+10:00

Glomp!

Definition: A method of greeting or attack using hugging/tackling.

Word origin: Unknown, but has Japanese manga roots. Found in such mangas as 'Dragon Ball.'

The Basic Glomp:

1) Approach the person from front, back, or side, usually at a running or jumping start.

2) Throw your arms around them, usually around the ribcage or surrounding area.

3) Squeeze.

Different Types of Glomping:

1) Flying Glomp: Usually used as a surprise attack, this airborne glomp can be attained with a running start or by standing on a conveiniently-placed high object such as a table or chair. This type of glomp is often found in Sailormoon or other shoujo manga.

2) Glomp of Death: Similar to the Flying Glomp, the Death-Glomp can easily injure someone. It is usually done from behind and without the target's knowledge.

3) Tackle Glomp: As the name indicates, this glomp is meant to knock the target to the floor. Should not be done on concrete floors or near sharp objects. This type of glomp can be found in lime-ish situations, especially fanfics.

4) Twirl-Glomp: Less dangerous than the other types, this glomp usually involves the target's prior knowledge or excellent aim. The target may glomp back and/or spin around in a circle with the assailant. For highest effect the assailant must be lighter weight than the target, preferably by half.

Variations:

1) Arm Glomp: Attach yourself to your victim--I mean, target--'s arm They cannot escape. Sometimes called the Jun glomp by the author of this guide, having Digimon origins. Also emplyed by Shampoo in Ranma 1/2.

2) Neck Glomp: Can be employed as a choke hold. Encircle your target's neck. Use with care unless aiming to stop respiration.

3) Jogress Glomp: Another glomp with Digimon origins, with the Jogress the target is glomped from two sides at once. An Arm or Neck glomp can be used simultaneously.

Other variations can easily be made using the placement of the arms, dependng on the target's size/relationship to you/patience. The span of time before the glomp is released also depends on these factors.

Some Popular Glomping War Cries: Random Japanese phases are usually the choice of glompers, the most common (as this author knows) are:

'Ohayo!' ('Good Morning')
'KonbanWA!' ('Good Evening')
'Konnichiwaaaa!' ('Good Afternoon')
'Mou!' (Random noise)
'Aiya!' (Shampoo-ish Chinese thing)

The person's name may also be shouted, with the option of adding the suffix '-chan.'

Thus concludes 'Glomping 101.' I hope that this has been an informative guide to the little-known concepts of the Glomp. Arigatou!

AN: This was taken from some Google dictionary thingy...I'm not really sure how because a guy called Rhed on IRC gave me the URL...I hope you enjoyed this...I KNEW I WASNT MAKING UP THAT WORD!! HMPH! :D

2004-04-01T11:42:00.000+10:00

People Quotes!

Avya: That watch is right.

Me: What? You're watching guy?

December-ish 2003

----------

Me: The teachers are so stupid, they haven't noticed us laughing for the past 10 minutes.

Avya: What? Say hello to the teachers, Natisha?

Me: What? Say hello to the teachers in Texas?

December-ish 2003

----------

Dush: He's so ugly.

Me: Peace is green?

Dush: No! I said he's so ugly. Peas are green?

Prashant: What? His ugly penis is green?

December-ish 2003

----------

Dush: English proposition

Me: What? Orgy?

Dush: English proposition? Orgy?

December-ish 2003

----------

me: i foiled your plans

marc: what? you folded my pants?

December-ish 2003

----------

me: check my lj it looks really funny

marc: purple milkshakes look funny?

December-ish 2003

----------

me: it confuses people

marc: it'll cost you big?

December-ish 2003

----------

me: you did all you needed to do

marc: who took the initiative?

December-ish 2003

2004-03-22T20:30:00.000+11:00

Subject: Hmm...
Current Mood: Pissed Off.
Current Music: Sometimes I feel like I'm in Barcelona...

Hello over there... this is half a punishment half a personal challenge: I'm giving my dad the silent treatment. He called me a lazy shit and yes, yes I am, but that's not the point, he has a theory see, that if he becomes a jerk then all the girls will like him because he thinks that nice guys finish last. Anyway, so he's training himself to be a jerk and he's being a jerk to me. Now I'm his daughter and I think he should learn that he shouldn't treat me like that. Comment if you think I'm right or wrong. See I'm gonna be with him this week so I wanna see how long this lasts, also I'm really pissed off. So it's a two in one thing I guess? I dunno...tell me if I'm doing the wrong thing...I mean he has done worse..but still...well even if you tell me I'm doing wrong I probably won't stop, but he IS purposely being a jerk to me. I don't give a shit if he's not getting "any"! *breathes in* Anyway... I dunno... the more I think about it the more angry I get.

2004-02-06T18:18:00.000+11:00

Random Quotes!

"As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo - except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my Chinese or American heritage as a negative is - I collect your fucking head, just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!"

~ O-Ren Ishii [Kill Bill Vol. 1]

----------

Kar (Sean William Scott): This is my place, okay? Get out right now.

Bulletproof Monk (Chow Yun Fat): (Whilst eating a bowl of cocoa puffs) An enlightened man would offer a humble traveler shelter for the night and share a quiet conversation over a bowl of... cocoa puffs.

Kar: Really, well I guess I ain't that enlightened 'cos I was thinking more of kicking your freaky ass back to wherever the hell it came from.

Bulletproof Monk: For someone who says he wants to kick my freaky ass, you do a lot of talking.

~ Kar & Bulletproof Monk [Bulletproof Monk]

----------

Doctor: Well Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red.

Rudolph: Is it pixie dust? Or, or leprechaun tails?

Doctor: No, its a tumor.

Rudolph: You mean, like a magical christmas tumor?

Doctor: No... a malignent tumor. The base of which is lodged deep within your brain.

Rudolph: Oh. Like a happy special-

Doctor: You're going to die.

~ [Family Guy]

----------

I AM UBERLY FUNKY LIKE A SPUNKY MONKEY!!!!

~ Meiyume

----------

What do you think you are a freakin' parakeet?

~ [Elvira's Haunted Hills]

----------

Profanity is the linguistic crutch for the inarticulate.

~ [Back Of A Toilet Door At School]

----------

John, while Jim had had "had," had had "had had." "Had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.

~ [Can't Remember Where That's From]

----------

"You know, there are too many buttons in the world. Just too many buttons, and they're just... There's way too many just beggin' to pe pressed. They're just begging to be pressed! You know, they're just, they're just begging to be pressed. And it makes me wonder, you know it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anybody ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anybody reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?!"

~ Lisa [Girl Interrupted]

2004-01-28T12:55:00.000+11:00

Subject: It's not a new beginning, fools.
Current Mood: Blank
Current Music: Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

Last day of holidays. I'm looking forward to a new year, a new beginning. It kinda reminds me of what Prashant was telling me before... He was saying how mankind had invented a "new year" so that we could fool ourselves into thinking it was a new beginning, where the slate has been wiped clean and everything from last year was, well, last year.

Ah well... I'm excited to see what this year will bring and I hope I can cope with everything. We'll see I guess.

2004-01-21T16:44:00.000+11:00

Subject: I present to you... a drag.
Current Mood: Pissed Off.

My mum got mad at me last night for not telling her what I was doing today...well rather for not asking her. "Since when do you inform and not ask?" "This is not on!" And then I couldn't go to where I wanted to today. Thinking about it still gets me pissed off. Sometimes I really hate my mum. Like now, I really hate that bitch. I have nothing else to say except I really want something right now...

2004-01-15T00:30:00.000+11:00

Subject: Holiday Recap

Friday the 19th of December - HORNSBY AFTER SCHOOL

Saturday the 20th of December - PRASH BDAY

Sunday the 21st of December - PRASH BDAY CONT. - PARRAMATTA

Monday the 22nd of December - COOGEE WITH DUSH, PRASH, MARC, NADIA, LAURA

Tuesday the 23rd of December - CITY WITH DUSH AND PRASHANT

Wednesday the 24th of December - ????????????????????????

Thursday the 25th of December - NOCHE BUENA - CLEMENTE'S - TITA GINA's CHRISTMAS LUNCH

Friday the 26th of December - MET SEV WITH PRASHANT - LEFT FOR QLD

Saturday the 27th of December - ARRIVED, SWAM AT RESORT

Sunday the 28th of December - MOVIEWORLD

Monday the 29th of December - SEAWORLD

Tuesday the 30th of December - LEFT FOR SYDNEY

Wednesday the 31st of December - MET DUSH, LEROY, MAGGY AND BEN AT CITY AT 4 - NEW YEARS EVE

Thursday the 1st of January - FERRY TO MANLY - BEACH FUNNESS - PRASHANT AND DUSH DILEMMA - GOT HOME AT 11

Friday the 2nd of January - SHOPPING AT MAQUARIE WITH FAMILY

Saturday the 3rd of January - COOGEE WITH FAMILY

Sunday the 4th of January - WONDERLAND WITH DEV AND PRASHANT

Monday the 5th of January - PEOPLE AT MY HOUSE, PRASHANT, DEV, MARTY, M, JESS

Tuesday the 6th of January - AQUATIC CENTRE WITH DEV AND PRASHANT

Wednesday the 7th of January - CHEN'S HOUSE, PRASHANT, MAGGY, BEN, DUSHEYANTHI, SU, BRADY, JASMINE, MARC, ROSE

Thursday the 8th of January - OUT WITH DUSHEYANTHI, MARC AND LEROY - DINNER AND BACARDI FESTIVAL - DADS 39th BDAY

Friday the 9th of January - COOGEE WITH FAMILY AGAIN

Saturday the 10th of January - KIAMA AND BONDI WITH FAMILY

Sunday the 11th of January - DADS BDAY BBQ - PEEPS LEAVE FOR AMERICA

Monday the 12th of January - MOVIE WITH MISH

Tuesday the 13th of January - PUTT PUTT WITH PRASHANT

Wednesday the 14th of January - BACARDI FESTIVAL WITH MARTY, PRASHANT, M, ROSE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PLANS COMING

Thursday the 15th - PISS UP WITH PRASHANT AND WEI-JIN

Saturday the 17th - JAMBEROO WITH RUSE PEEPS

Monday the 19th - HAIRCUT

Tuesday the 20th - PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS MOVIE

SOMETIME ICE SKATING WITH CGHS FRIENDS

2004-01-01T12:10:00.000+11:00

Subject: Happy New Year!
Current Mood: Tired.
Current Music: Megumi Hayashibara - Anata No Kokoro Ni

To describe this year in one word it'd have to be... (i'd choose epiphanatic but that's just mimicking Dush) different. I guess... it's been a sort of rude awakening for me, that I can't really hold up that bouncy-always-happy face everywhere all the time. I mean, I still do, but there's a bit of reality in it now, a little less naivity in me now, in thinking that I could just be emotionless (in a way) so I don't get hurt. I've reflected a lot on myself this year and learnt so much more about me, whether I wanted to or not.

This time last year? Gosh I've changed so much, this time last year I was going through a "dilemma". I was doing things which I wouldn't do this year. I was so immature back then but in a few months I'll probably look back on now and think the same thing *shakes head * but that isn't the point.

My new years was so strange, I can't believe I was allowed to go by myself, I can't believe any of it at all, I'm looking back on it and I'm not believing it, but what's done is done and all in all I've had a wonderful new year with wonderful people.

1. What did you do in 2003 that you'd never done before?
Jig. Smoke.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make new years' resolutions because I know I won't keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope, I don't think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No!

5. What countries did you visit?
Philippines.

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
Discipline, Perserverance, Motivation, a Gameboy Advance SP, A boyfriend...

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
31st of December, It was an amazingly fun, interesting which later on rolled onto tense, but let's not get into that. It was a lot rolled into one, kinda like it was being crammed riiight before the year ended or something. I still thought it was amazing though.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting out of my little phase and picking up my game.

9. What was your biggest failure?
First semester.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No not really, just the occasional cold etc.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Wow, I have no idea, I guess all my CD purchases this year. Wowee I'm sure I bought over 20 different albums last year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Um...I don't know...Prashant?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Do I have to say his name? He knows who he is.

14. Where did most of your money go?
CD's, Mobile phone bill, Going out so damn much

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
TEH SNOW!!!

16. What songs will always remind you of 2003?
No really memorable ones but all of Dush's songs to do with our two fags I guess will do.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier...methinks.
ii. thinner or fatter? =)
iii. richer or poorer? Um...I don't remember, probably richer even though it's all draining faster than you can say...potatoes.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Gone to school, maths, homework.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Staying home, procrastinating.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With family and family friends.

21. Did you fall in love in 2003?
Well, let's just say I realised it last year.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
*shrugs* TV is eevil but...Australian Idol I guess..

24. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Um...no I don't think so.

25. What was the best book you read?
White Oleander - Janet Fitch

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Guy Sebastian? Gosh I dunno, I like so much different music...hard to say.

27. What did you want and get?
Um... a lot of things which I can't think of right now, but they were Bday and Xmas pressies.

28. What did you want and not get?
I dunno.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Kill Bill and White Oleander

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Ate at Ken's Korean BBQ Restaraunt with all my friends from different thingies...(GOG, Primary School, High School, Random...) then a sleepover with my closest friends. Was good. I turned 15.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Hm...A boyfriend? Or some hot lesbian sex.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
Comfy.

33. What kept you sane?
Avya I'd have to say. And GOG of course.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hugh Jackman.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Meh...politics..

36. Who did you miss?
Hm...no one. If I missed them I'd organise to see them.

37. Who was the best new person you met in 2003?
Dusheyanthi.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
It's naive to think that you can just put on a happy face everyday.
"Everything falls apart even the people who never frown eventually break down" - Pushing Me Away :: Linkin Park
I dunno...I learnt a lot this year but I can't think of it all now.

2003-12-23T22:46:00.000+11:00

Subject: Don't it all seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone
Current Mood: Annoyed
Current Music: Brandy & Ray-J - Another Day In Paradise

Wow...I just realised, such a fitting subject. Hehehe...

Today was fun. Maybe the last time I see Prashant and Dush together. Wow. That's weird. It's like a new friend every year for Prash, I wonder who it'll be next year lol.

~~Rose~~
~~Dush~~
Who will be next? - Tune in next year...

LOL! I haven't eaten dinner, do you know why? *glares at Dush and Prashant* freakin hell, we went to YumCha and I was like...must finish off dishes so I was just eating and eating and eating and then I was full. So I haven't really eaten anything much else since then...

What else did we do? We spent a lot of time playing arcade games actually, fun and random ones, we spent a lot of time relaxing and talking in Hide Park aaand yeah. Today was just a nice day, besides the fact about the train strike - that was annoying!!!

But yes, tomorrow I'm going to clean my room and relax, I haven't had a day to relax at all since the holidays begun, it feels like it's been such a long time because I've done so much but it's only Tuesday - only four days into the holidays!!! Man, I've seen Prashant and Dush 5 days in a row...woah...

Well let's see, I don't think I told you what happened at the beach. Man that was fun. It was the most PERFECT weather too my gosh, it was like God was smiling upon us that day. Anyway, I took a train and we all met at Central. From there we took a bus to Coogee hehe I found out the right spelling too, but everyone says it so Japanese-y so that's why I spelt it all ku-ji like!! meh! Then we ate lunch at Coogee and theen we went to the rockpool, I swear...I thought I was gonna get hypothermia!!! Then we moved onto the beach and the whole time I was paranoid of drowning...my golly gosh lol. Prashant and I began making a sandcastle but only got as far as the mote because we started digging a deep hole for neverending wet sand-ness. We kept digging and digging for like an hour or so and by then we were both sitting in it rubbing wet sand on each other...woah...that sounds wrong...lol... we were just exfoliating!!! Although at the time we were thinking it was so much...too much like some sort of porno...lol. That was pretty much my day...it was really goood!!!

And that's been my holidays so far...hehe. In a completely plutonic way, Prashant was pretty damn sexy on the beach. Lol...aaanyway...

I'm a little pissed off right now, but I guess that's that and there's nothing I can do. I'm just an expendable little whore according to Prashant hehe.

Well...that's it for right now, update laterrr...

CHRISTMAS EVE TOMORROW!! hehehe... oh what excitement!!!! *bounces away happily*

2003-12-21T22:05:00.000+11:00

A wonderfully, majorly, uberly, funky (like a spunky monkey) start to the holidays. As soon as we walked out of school on Friday, I have been so damn busy. We went to Hornsby on Friday at about 12:30 and we ate at Yum Cha then saw Scary Movie 3. Didn't ask my mum if I could go because I already knew the answer, especially if she wouldn't even let me go to Macquarie not the day before, but the Thursday before that after school to buy Jess a present. *shakes head*. So I just went. I got home in good time too! Then went to watch anime.
After that, on Saturday, I went to a Christmas party for a really short time (which I feel kinda guilty about) and then I went to Prashant's party. Very fun, talked with Dush and Marty a lot. Had a late night walk to the park which was strangely cool, the sky was weird and creating a weird kind of lighting. Then went for a EARLY morning swim in the cold cold pool. Didn't sleep the whole night until about 6 ish and had a couple of hours of sleep. Then today (Sunday) we decided to go to Parramatta and shop, but my dad stole me away and I got really crabby especially since I was only operating on 2 hrs of sleep, so I got home at about 4:00 and then collapsed on the sofa bed and went to sleep. Woke up at 7:30 and my dad was cooking springs rolls and dumplings...yum.
Tomorrow I'm going to the beach (Kuji) hehe...it's going to be fun! Fun fun fun for everyone! I'm rather excited even if everyone has backed out...grr...and yes...

I'm attempting to plan to do something with Sev on Tuesday...but we'll see what happens.

2003-12-15T22:13:00.000+11:00

Subject: It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
Current Mood: Worried

Don't you think it's ~~funny~~ well...I dunno... that even though her son has just gone to hospital that she can still make it about her? It's wonderful to know my letter was just another thing that she turned around and pretended it wasn't about her. She doesn't understand and sometimes I wonder how far it'll go before she learns - if she ever learns. I wish I could hold him in my arms and reassure him about everything. I wish so many things for that dysfunctional family. I wish my letter wasn't just forgotten. I wish. I don't know what else to say except that this makes me sad, angry and every other emotion under the sun.

2003-12-13T17:18:00.000+11:00

Subject: Sadly I've become so small...
Current Mood: Weird
Current Music: Arigatou - Card Captor Theme Collection

It seems to be my week for rebellious things. First jigging and now this.

I had my first drag today. A long, real, deep breath of it.

Yeah, I can't believe it either. And it wasn't just a bum puff either! I took a long deep breath...which I have a feeling I shouldn't have done. I coughed and spluttered and it tasted like crap. How my mum can do this everyday I don't know. I feel like I've permanantly burned a part of my throat away and it feels funny...hehe. I know what Dush means now by the burning in your throat lol. What scared me the most was I was staring at the cigarette afterward, thinking to myself, if I took another puff, that would be it for me, I'd probably have to keep doing it. :S That's not a good thing. I just wanted to try it, doing things like this all the time is really bad, but trying it once, I think, is alright. Experiencing it for yourself.

No offense Marc but all that crap about your head feeling lighter and crap, what bullshit lol, I just felt the same afterward, but maybe that's only because I had one puff...*shrug* I dunno really.

The look on Jemma's face, I think she knew I really took a deep breath of it in, I think she was shocked, I'm not sure...lol...maybe she wasn't expecting me to take that long a breath, the only reason I did was because I couldn't taste anything, but afterwhile it was like WOAH...it really burnt my throat and I started coughing lol. It took a while for it to kick in and when it did...woah, and even after all that...I feel as if I could do it again!!! That's really bad... But I know I won't :)

And that's my story for the day. Seems to be my "rebellious" week ei? lol...

2003-12-10T00:10:00.000+11:00

Subject: And I wonder why, I'm off the ground
Current Mood: Numb
Current Music: My thoughts, Blaxland Rd behind me and humming of the p00ter

Hello world. Just went to Christina Aguilera concert. Was G R E A T, however, a turn of events prevented me from enjoying myself at the concert. Should I bother explaining? Maybe another time, allow me to just say that my eyes are red from all the crying I did in the car, but I feel kinda better for getting it out, but I feel like I didn't get all of it out. I'll tell you about it later. BUT, the concert itself was EXCELLENT, Christina Aguilera is WONDERFUL!

2003-12-08T22:18:00.000+11:00

Sorry

You hurt me a lot, so I hurt you back. I don't know if that affects you but I guess it does. I'm truly sorry for making you angry just then. I wish I knew what to do, but I don't. And yes you can't do everything, I was just asking for a straight answer. Sorry again. I'm going to sleep now and then I'm going to unblock you and hopefully have a sane conversation. I try to make you not matter to me but you do. And here you are again, mattering to me. I'm really really sorry. I don't know what else to say and/or how to say it. I want to walk away, but I don't and I know I won't and I know you won't.

Sorry, again.

[I thought I'd put this entry in, not because it's a particular, interesting event, or because it's a marker in my life, but because the way I wrote it was just so... poetic.]

2003-12-08T17:02:00.000+11:00

Subject: In disbelief I didn't know...
Current Mood: Accomplished
Current Music: Linkin Park - Hit The Floor

HELLO!!! I am good. Let me tell you what I did today, and yes I'm going to make a big deal about it because I can't believe that I went through with it...none of you would probably understand it...but yes, at least now I can say I wasn't afraid and I did it once, at least.

Okay I made the biggest mistake EVER... I went to the trainstation early and a lot of year nine people saw me...so yes, now I know, never again, if I ever jig again, which I probably won't, but anyway...I took the late train and I met Prashant at Cheltenham station, we went to the city from there me panicking the WHOLE time, asking him what the time was all the time and saying...Oh now period 1 is about to end...etc. I got over that, but I still can't believe I did it!!! I was so so so so scared and paranoid, quite funny looking back on it now. So yes, it was a great day, we walked around the city and went to Circular Quay and ate at City Extra, I find that so amusing, jigging and then going to a restaraunt...teehee. Then we went to the candy store and now I have this giant lollipop which will literally take forever to finish. Then we decided to walk accross to the Harbour bridge and take a train from Milson's Point back toward Eastwood. Then we got to Eastwood at about 2:40 aaand we bummed around and then I went home :D

1. I can't believe I'm actually going to get away with this!!!

2. Now I can say I wasn't afraid to do it and that I did it at least once.

It's not really to be all hardcore and stuff...but more to say that I did do it at least once, that I actually did do something "rebellious" for once. Also my dad told me a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't the type. Lol...well I showed him. I probably sound really lame and all, but yes, I experienced it. Please don't slap me, but I just went against everything that I wouldn't normally and yeah...

I will probably post again after this.

Edit You know I couldn't sleep last night, I got to bed at about 10:30 and didn't get to sleep til probably 12:00, far out I spent the whole time thinking about today and what would happen and being paranoid and planning it all out in my head, at times I found my eyebrows furrowed in concentration, and I had to keep telling myself to relax and my heart to stop pounding. Eventually I had to get off so I'd be tired enough to go to sleep. *sigh*

2003-11-19T18:24:00.000+11:00

Subject: Beautifully Ugly

Lovers come and go but friends are forever.

...Unless they're hit by a meteor.

*sigh*

Whatever.

2003-11-16T11:55:00.000+11:00

Subject: Sayonara...

I finally took that Friends Forever key ring off my keys, the one that Ewa has the other half of and it's strangely coincidental that I was listening to a song called "Sayonara" as I pulled the key ring off slowly and purposefully.

2003-11-14T20:22:00.000+11:00

Subject: I'm only human on the inside...
Current Mood: Content
Current Music: Belinda Carisle - In Too Deep

I'm listening to my compilation CD's from a long long time ago (95/96) and I'm finding I'm liking songs which I didn't before, it's really strange, my music taste is really widening :D I'm very happy about that.

This is really nice and relaxing.

Now what shall I talk about? Hmm...maybe I'll never be as bouncy as I was before...maybe I was just hypo...I feel very content right now about a lot of things, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm sorting my priorities properly (ish :P) and I don't know. Maybe I'll never go back to being the way I was before, but oh well, I don't mind.

It's funny how you can change but not, you always think change is such a "WOAH" big type of thing, but when a person changes it's not really that big, just small bits and pieces are added, altered or annhialated..hmm did I spell that right? Probably not, I just felt like using all A's hehe...

I just feel like talking. About anything. Actually, I want to talk to Opto. Right now. Drifting is very evil. So many things have changed, looking back on it all makes me laugh, I didn't even last a year in IRC! But oh well, twas unhealthy anyway.

I don't know what else to say!! WAH!

be back when I can think of more stuffs to talk about...

2003-11-14T16:55:00.000+11:00

Subject: I look in your eyes you don't know how my heart aches...
Current Mood: Calm
Current Music: En Vogue - Damn I Wanna Be Your Lover

SUZI has been immortalised, my heart turned to mush looking at what things I had put in, looking at and remembering how I used to be. Yes, SUZI is the ever-so-wonderful bot created by Nazca. One of it's commands being "What is" and you could put your own entries for things like that. Have fun browsing at meanings which meant something to me... I'm sure you can guess which ones I put in :P

P.S I have lots of different names because people put so many meanings under peoples names that it flooded the channel and therefore he created a limit for how many entries per thing. It's three per meaning..

"What Is..."

#1 (Entry 67): Meiyume -- Queen of MESA
#2 (Entry 65): Meiyume -- *GLOMP*
#3 (Entry 79): Meiyume -- Creator of glomping tactic
#4 (Entry 83): Meiyume -- Master pupetteer, beware
#5 (Entry 129): Meiyume -- Mistress Meiyume

#1 (Entry 241): Meiyume-chan -- Opto's property :)
#2 (Entry 242): Meiyume-chan -- Loop's property
#3 (Entry 243): Meiyume-chan -- Nazca's property

#1 (Entry 76): Mei -- See Meiyume
#2 (Entry 88): Mei -- kinkeeeeeee
#3 (Entry 130): Mei -- Mistress Mei
#4 (Entry 420): Mei -- is a great big tease!

#1 (Entry 206): Mei-chan -- See Meiyume and/or Mei
#2 (Entry 205): Mei-chan -- Master Puppeteer of #droidarena...buwahaha-ha-ha beeewaaare...
#3 (Entry 209): Mei-chan -- Moody, Jealous, Possesive, Selfish...yay!(?)

#1 (Entry 227): MeiMei -- A pretty lady :D
#2 (Entry 244): MeiMei -- Look up Meiyume, Mei, Mei-chan, Meiyume-chan and MeiMei-chan
#3 (Entry 321): MeiMei -- TUS Property too :D

Okay now that IM over and done with...

#1 (Entry 25): Opto -- MEEEEP!!!
#2 (Entry 62): Opto -- Meiyume
#3 (Entry 64): Opto -- Property Of ^^^^ (the name above)
#4 (Entry 82): Opto -- BOUNCYNESS & OPTIMISM
#5 (Entry 126): Opto -- Anything but an optimist

#1 (Entry 294): Opto-chan -- OWNED
#2 (Entry 295): Opto-chan -- BY
#3 (Entry 296): Opto-chan -- MEIYUME

#1 (Entry 382): Caed-chan -- MIIIIIINE (Meiyume)
#2 (Entry 383): Caed-chan -- Not

Those were all Opto btw...

#1 (Entry 1): Nazca -- Greatest ... Genius ... God .... Gs ;)
#2 (Entry 40): Nazca -- My owner who is a good bot programmer :)
#3 (Entry 61): Nazca -- Body Chocolate stealer!!! Yum... <---I think I put that in...hm
#4 (Entry 158): Nazca -- Author of an easily and oft-abused bot

#1 (Entry 24): Loop -- has a evil bunneh army
#2 (Entry 81): Loop -- Loopy-chan is owned by Meiyume, just look at his ass, her name is branded there <---By MOI
#3 (Entry 217): Loop -- it hurt
#4 (Entry 221): Loop -- God of Insanity
#5 (Entry 222): Loop -- Owns a pink website
#6 (Entry 233): Loop -- Tentacles....mmm....kinky <--I believe that was me too *blush*
#7 (Entry 359): Loop -- dumbass
#8 (Entry 369): Loop -- ...

#1 (Entry 287): Loopy-chan -- MEIYUME
#2 (Entry 286): Loopy-chan -- BY
#3 (Entry 285): Loopy-chan -- OWNED

#1 (Entry 235): Loopy -- Tentacles....mmm....kinky
#2 (Entry 236): Loopy -- Also look under Loop
#3 (Entry 239): Loopy -- Loopy-chan

#1 (Entry 26): Sevari -- Good at stating the obvious
#2 (Entry 219): Sevari -- a wubbly bunneh-like creature
#3 (Entry 231): Sevari -- a Meanie!
#4 (Entry 232): Sevari -- A nasty meanie!
#5 (Entry 334): Sevari -- alcoholic
#6 (Entry 350): Sevari -- dunce

And that's all I could remember to look up, no idea what I might have put in Sevari's thing...maybe none of it..lolz...mmkay, that is all.

2003-11-10T17:35:00.000+11:00

Subject: Only one day to go!
Current Mood: Superly Majorly Uberly Funky
Current Music: Something on one of Prashant's CD's...BWAHAHA

Hello

I'll tell you about my weekend now.

ON SATURDAY... I went to see Matrix Revolutions! My friend Avya is saying it was REALLY good, but then again, she thought LOTR was bad so I don't trust her judgement in movies :P Anyway so I saw it and I'd have to say it was much better than Reloaded however, it wasn't that good. But go see it yourselves and make your own judgements.
After that I went to go get prepared for my birthday party!!! Ewa knocked on the door (we were giving her a lift) and she gave me her present. I'll tell you what presents I got laterz... Then M arrived and off we went on our journey to Chantelle's house to pick her up. She gave me her present and we continued to Ken's Charcoal BBQ or something like that in Carlingford. It's a place where you cook your own food. It's fun! Anyways, we arrived and sat down and then Lisa and Jessica arrived and Prashant and Marty. Theeeen yeah...uh oh I'm getting lazy...let's see, nothing much happened, lots of laughing, arriving, present-giving, cooking, burning, overcooking, undercooking, raping (well that was Lana attacking Prashant...) and yeh... After that we went accross the road to McDonalds for some desert...lolz the sundae made me feel sick. But we stood outside and waited for parents to pick up their children and whilst waiting Lana tried to get some business...(making trucks and nice cars honk at her) she was so asking for the hooker jokes... Then my mum dropped off Lana, Chantelle and Marty and Tita Bless (Marc's mum) took Marc and M to get swimming stuff from their places and my dad took Ewa, Prashant and I back to my house to drop Ewa off and wait for Marc and M.
Drank Midori, played cards, ate chips, watched Emperor's new groove, played boggle, played uno stacko (like jenka) aaand lay down on the couch listening to music the whole night. Me and Prashant stayed up and fell asleep around the same time (5:30 - 6:00 ish) and then I was in and out of sleep for the next 2 and a half hours. Then we all went swimming for about an hour and my godsister got picked up. Then Prashant, Marc and I ate something, played more cards, all took showers and then we were all taken by Marc's mum and Marc's cousin whom none of us have met. We went to Parramatta and at Vietnamese and went back to Philippine Village where (typically) we were left alone to play cards, just waiting. So my dad took us away...*yay* and then we all decided to go to Penrith for Krispy Kreme Doughtnuts (which i'm quite sick of) aaaaand theen on our way back I fell asleep in the car, we dropped off Prashant and then I packed, watched Australian Idol (GO GUY) and was sooo unbelievably sleepy. Looked at my presents and cards and yeah.

And that was my weekend. It was fun fun fun for everyone! (hopefully)

Who went to my party?

High School Group:
Jamie
Jess
Lisa
Avya
Naghmeh

Primary School:
Chantelle
Lana

GOG (Going Out Group) aka Ruse people (+Marty and M):
Marc
Prashant
M
Marty
Dush

Other:
Ewa

Mum, Dad, VP and Tita Bless as well. :)

Only two people couldn't come, Becca and Wei-jin :
Presents

Ewa: A REALLY pretty bracelet.
M: PRETTY Earrings.
High School Group: This REALLY CUTE stuffed toy dog and new hoop earrings and REALLY funny card which makes sex sounds when you open it.
Marty and Prashant: Earrings and amusing card.
Dush and Wei-jin: Strawberry smelling jelly candle...it smells REALLY nice surprisingly...very yummy, chopsticks which I'm not sure if it's for my hair or for eating ? lolz... aaand this REALLY nice bracelet with my name on it (because I'm Dush's bitch) lolz...
Chantelle: $30 and a cute card
Lana: HMV voucher, may sound very impersonal but I really like buying CD's so actually quite thoughtful...lolz
Marc and Tita Bless: 3 quarter pants...well I think they're supposed to be that length but...hmm... *giggle* aand a couple of really nice tops :) and a really lame card but I love Marc's lameness...it's cool so I shall publish his wonderful poem for all to read.

There once lived Alex the Gogo
And all she used was a yoyo
But one day while fighting
She was hit by lightning
And now she's as dead as a dodo

How cool is that? hehehe...may have killed a few braincells, but I still think it's coolio superly majerly uberly funky!!!

And from my parents, loverly money. :D And now I'm not broke and I owe no one anything! YAYETH!!

Let us end this post on a high note.... LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

2003-10-14T17:34:00.000+10:00

Subject: But at the best, you are loved. (Holidays Recap)
Current Mood: Accomplished
Current Music: Monica - Before You Walk Outta My Life

Hello! All the things I couldn't talk about here, I talked about to Dush last night...but yes...strange...I think I'm going to call her again tonight and finish off our conversation...well maybe...it isn't exactly a topic you can finish off... I msged her this morning telling her to sh00sh about everything...don't know if she got it, she didn't reply...oh well...I just wonder if she's gossipy...I think she is...but...I don't know if she would tell or not...I guess it's not that bad if she does...but she probably won't tell people what I said...right?

School is going good so far, camp is next week, I'm not sure whether to look forward to it or not, so right now I'm pretty indifferent about it. We'll see if our group can really stand each other now...lolz...

I predict I'm going to start missing all the Ruse people in a few days...probably by the weekend because I've spent so much damn time with them...lol...here, I'll show you my chock-a-block holidays...

---My Holidays---

Friday (Last day of school...): Went to Anime, talked to M about things I don't normally talk about with people, I really opened up to her...and got a few phonecalls.

Saturday: I went to the city with my dad to lots of cafe's so I could write an important letter. Don't assume what's in it >=|. It lifted some weight off my back.

Sunday: Drove around with my dad trying to find the place where Finding Nemo might have been based, finally accepted that the place doesn't actually exist :P (No harm in trying). Then went to Macquarie Park, had a bit of photography fun! So many things in that place are picture perfect.

Monday: Did nothing during the day, at night went to Parramatta where my dad takes Latin Dancing lessons so he could prove to me how good he's become, not that I ever doubted it in the first place...

Tuesday: Did nothing! :(

Wednesday: Took the train to Pennant Hills met Prashant, walked to Chen's house in Cherrybrook (7/8 km) and had lots of fun. Chen, Marc, Prashant, Dush and Wei-jin were there.

Thursday: Was meant to be bushwalking day but 2/5 original bushwalkers didn't show for reasons or another *glares*. The original bushwalking group being Prashant, Marty, M, Wei-jin and I and M and Wei-jin didn't show up (Marc was invited also but didn't show). So we walked, got to the area and we three decided it would be boring so we walked to Fox Valley Rd and ate at the Cafe we ate at last time and then as a spur-of-the-moment type thing, decided we felt like Cookies. So we walked along Commenara Parkway (4/5 km there and back) to the Woolworths and bought cookie dough! Walked back to Prashant's house and cooked it while listening to music on Marty's pretty apple laptop. Oh and I also learned the Trigger song by Sandrine was about...getting off...and I like that song!

Friday: Had a train trip day! Originally supposed to be a bounty hunt type thing where we buy a day-tripper and look for stuff, but just ended up being a go-to-Gosford-and-eat-lunch day. Apparently day trippers don't reach there because it's not part of Sydney and so we had to buy more tickets and I had no money and the train guy insulted me (for being short) and yes... the train trip was really nice and scenic though :) that was a plus... anyways, we walked around Gosford and ate at a Thai restaraunt, ordered 4 dishes finished them, played cards in the restaraunt while it rained outstide, stayed in the restaraunt for 3 hrs and a old ugly Filipino guy was serving us, he asked me if I was Thai...ick... then we took the train to Central because we were still early and took the train back to Eastwood where I got picked up and they continued on to a girl named Cindy's party. They being Marc, Dush, Prashant and Wei-jin. It was a good day. At night went to Bacardi Festival (not the actual one...like a mini) and saw Joanne and danced and stuff...was pretty fun.

Saturday: Did chores during the day to earn some money (because I'm broke and I need a job) and then in the arvo I went to Lana's party which was at the Karaoke place in Eastwood next to Video Ez. That was...amusing I guess...and then we went to Eastwood Hotel afterward to eat dinner where there were ugly, old, drunk, horny guys hitting on Lana's friends. All in all was a good day still.

Sunday: Went to the city with my dad where he was minding stalls for Bacardi Festival so he was one of those annoying people handing out flyers, so I had nothing to do during the day so I walked around the city instead. It started to rain, I was sooo happy...I dunno, It just seemed to lighten up my mood!!! So, I was walking from Darling Harbour (where the stalls were) toward the Entertainment Centre and it started to rain pretty hard and then this guy runs past me and calls out to his litte brother to catch up, as he does so, he smiles at me, and I smile back and then he disappears around the corner. I was really happy, I had a moment with someone! Then when I got around the corner where the McDonald's is, I saw him again and we smiled at each other again. It started raining really hard and I couldn't go anywhere, but I decided to run to Market City, I didn't want to be bored under Macca's while it was pouring hard, so I ran in the pouring rain and when I reached Market City, I was soaked. I so should have gotten that guys number! I regret it now, and at the time I kept thinking, "I'm never gonna see him again..." but yes...then I crossed the street to City Mark this little arcade place where there's all this anime stores...then I went to the other entrance facing George St. and there was this pretty hot black guy and I was really laughing and smiling (I couldn't help it) because it was raining and the black guy could probably tell I was really happy and I think it was infectious cos he started smiling too...hehe...so yeah...I moment with two guys!!! Yeah...those were pretty much the highlights of my day hehe...had to run back to Darling Harbour because me and my dad were gonna go home early (no point staying at stalls when it's raining eii?) and I was soaked hehe...Why do more guys notice me when I'm wet? lolz...

Monday: Did nothing during the day but was meant to go to Bacardi at night, but because it was raining we changed it to bowling, it was fun anyway, Prashant, Lana and M were there (Marc was meant to be) and yes...it was a fun night.

Tuesday: Hm, I think we were meant to go to Central, but it started raining so it got cancelled, so I did nothing.

Wednesday: Met Prashant at Eastwood and took a train to Lidcombe and went to Dush's house for Video day thing. Talked. Watched Bend it Like Beckham (while playing cards cos we've all watched it), Final Destination 2 and the beginning of Silence of the Lambs. Michelle, Dush, Prashant, Brady and Jasmine were there.

Thursday: Convinced everyone to ditch Chen and his Macquarie for Central (teehee, didn't take much convincing though, so I don't feel guilty cos obviously they all didn't want to go) and walked around the city, was gonna eat at Zenbu, but I forgot to tell them it was under renovations lolz...so we ate at Blackbird Cafe. It was alright, the sticky date pudding was the best...and that was about it. Then we walked to Pitt St Mall so people could buy various things for whatever and then walked toward Hyde Park (Elizabeth Street) and found a REALLY good karaoke place $3 per hour, per person. The place reminded us of a prostitute type place, but it was really good hehe...Then took the train home to Eastwood. Prashant, Dush, Brady, Michelle, Marty, M and Wei-jin were there.

Friday: Went to Becca's house during the day for our close-friends-primary-school little reunion thing...if that makes any sense. Left early because the semi-formal was that night. Went to Prashant's house and got ready there. Was lots of fun! It was just like another GOG (Going Out Group) only we were all dressed nicely. Took the maxi-taxi there with Prashant, Dush, Marc, Andrew, Brady and Jasmine. It was at the Waterfront, nice dinner a little dancing, a little walking, realising how non-physical I am with Prashant, gossiped about the cradle-napper, talked to rose and many other people. Then went home at 11:30pm. Was fun!

Saturday: At night went to Marc's house and had a game night, Prashant, Marc and Jasmine (and the oldies) were there. Slept over at Marc's.

Sunday: Nothing...hehe...slept half the day away...relished my holidays, thought about lots of things.

---End---

And now you see why I'm going to miss the Ruse people...lol...and those were my holidays, and I remember thinking, "Geez, how did I get my last holidays so packed?" Everything just seems to fall into place really...hehe and that's also why I haven't been on net much as well. Ahh...this is a long update...what are the bets it's not going to work? hehe...

I think that's a complete update on my life...So yes...

aDiOs

2003-08-25T11:48:00.000+10:00

Subject: It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard
Current Mood: Optimistic
Current Music: Lauryn Hill - Ex Factor

I woke up feeling sick so now I'm sitting at home, I think - actually, I know - that my mum will call my dad and tell him I'm acting up again. But I'm not. Really.

I don't feel sick anymore, but I feel inspired! I felt like making a new blog with my thoughts so I went to blogger.com and I remembered how I'd gone there before and looked at a notable blog. I'd forgotten how brilliant it was...how inspiring!

I've never had an idol before, but I think I do now.

http://alexthegirl.com

She is brilliant and inspiring and my new idol (she writes!)! Here's some stuff she's done...

February 08th, Love

Being bedridden for the last several days, I've been subjected to too much tv and pitiful women's magazines. I have seen it all, the lies. It never really bothered me before, but it does now.

Valentines day.

Women bitching and moaning how their man doesn't bring them flowers. People saying they won't get married without the big ring. Men asking their women to put on sexy clothing and shake it like a hard martini. Whatever. That's not romance, that's not love, that's just illusion. If you want to build a relationship on that, you're not building a strong foundation.

I'll tell you what love is. Tomorrow I get to see my husband after being away from him for a week. I won't be totally recognisable to him, my face all distorted and swollen with lots of stitches and blackened eyes. I move slowly, with effort, and my speech is very quiet. I won't be able to run up to him when he picks me up, I won't be able to kiss him and hugging him will have to be gently. But I know that he won't mind one bit. To him, I'll be the most beautiful girl. He'll tell me how he missed me, he'll care for me by making me tea and tucking me in at night. I won't feel like an inconvenience or an ugly monster. He'll be patient with me. He'll love me.

That's your romance right there. The other stuff, it's either fluff or icing depending on what you already have. If he doesn't buy you flowers every week or write you love poems by candle light every night, how much does that matter if you know you're unconditionally loved? We need to wake up and redefine romance and get real. Really.

There are more inspiring type things...just read it. Wow...I've never had an idol before...

2003-08-12T16:14:00.000+10:00

Subject: Maybe this was my last chance...

oh my god...i can't believe it...i come home right...and then...i see this funny looking envelope in our pile of mail...and i'm so unbelievably drawn to it...so i pick it up right? and it's addressed to me... and there's all these stamps stuck on it...and it's from...the netherlands! i'm feeling around the package going omg omg omg omg omg repeatedly and my stepdad is like what? what? what? and i run to my room and open it and...it's a ring!!!!!!! like the one from the lord of the rings...with elvish carved into it...i can't believe it...i was bugging loop about that ages ago and..he actually got me a ring!!! i can't believe it!!! i feel reeaaallly guilty...but knowing that i have a tiny conscience...i'll get over it and just be really thankful and huggy and all..hehe...he's not online so i can't thank him...omg...

*bounces around*

i gotta do my geography essay teehee...procrastinating...but oh well...

hmm...well that was my event of the day..lol

2003-08-06T22:41:00.000+10:00

Subject: The pain I caused it makes me laugh.
Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Kelly Clarkson - Miss Independant

hmm...interesting conversation with Prashant...now it's got me thinking about 'friends' in general. how would you define a friend? people value different things in friendships...and of course...there is a difference between close friends and best friends right? so what would you consider a friend? a close friend? a best friend? are there big differences between them or subtle ones?

i don't even have a definition! i have lot's of friends all on different levels...different ways our friendships developed etc. all different circumstances too! how can there be a definition for it? hm...i'll look it up on a dictionary...hold on...eeesh can't be bothered :P

so yes...it's all very complicated :P i know the basic levels of friendship i put people on...but the differences...i probably can't define those levels...and what people would consider a friend i might consider an acquaintance or a best friend or...i don't know! it's all very confusing...very personal...very unique and different for everybody...

yes..and that is my thought of the day. i shall sleep now. goodnight!

2003-07-17T22:39:00.000+10:00

Subject: Yet another holiday recap.
Current Mood: Pissed Off
Current Music: Eminem - Superman

hello...i thought i ought to give you a recap of my holidays then...because i haven't really told you properly what i've been doing...i've been too busy to properly update and then livejournal pulls shit like internal errors or i forget about the entry i'm writing and then i don't feel like writing anymore...or i'm not in the same mood or i'm busy...but now i can actually sit down and write what i want to write...but perhaps i should pee first...hold on..

okay...got chocolate too! hehe...i'm downloading songs right now and chatting to opto...and i'm about to break myself a row of cadbury dairy milk chocolate...done.

alright...

Saturday 5th
hmm...i don't remember exactly what i did..methinks i went to the city with my dad...oh that's right! i bought pants, broke my slippers and put them back together with bandaids :P and then my dad made me buy new shoes...etc etc methinks i have an entry on this...

Sunday 6th
went to the city again to buy the dvds we saw on saturday...had an argument...did the usual cry-about-something in the car because of something or rather...usually something to do with my dad...but sometimes other things...but yes...i cry every weekend so i suppose i was waiting for it...but yes...we did end up buying the dvd's and i got a saishu heiki dvd!!

Monday 7th
went to mum's office...it's EXTREMELY funky and that's the only word i can use to describe it :) aand then walked around north sydney, city and chatswood with VP (stepdad) and yeh...bought evanescence and ashanti and a cd holder thingymabobby...aand yer...somehow my money seems to be disappearing...

Tuesday 8th
nothing methinks...bludge day but at night i finally got onto the phone with leigh...was resisting asking for his number...m's property and all..but oh well...and then we spent 7 hrs on the phone...would have been longer but my cordless ran out of battery went to sleep at 6:30am

Wednesday 9th
nothing during the day but at night was ate's debut she turned 18 and all...it was boring and everybody was hungry but after everyone ate it was fun because we danced and stuff and at the end we were singing and stuff...was so fun..

Thursday 10th
bludge

Friday 11th
went to parra at 12:30...m was working from 11-2 and i met leigh there so we walked around and talked til 2 and then met m and walked around parra and yeh...it was very interesting day...leigh's hair is funny...but he's planning on changing it...then at night i cleaned most of my stuff up so i could go to macquarie next day...

Saturday 12th
went to macquarie with jess and watched charlies angels full throttle and yer...that was fun...then at night finished cleaning my room so i could go out on sunday

Sunday 13th
prashant picked me up from my place at eastwood and then we went to hornsby met wei jin and then met dush and we basically just walked around hornsby and talked...that was good day i laughed a lot and yer...went to my dads house at night

Monday 14th
BUSHWALKING!!! man that was the best time EVER...hehehehe....it was me, prashant, m, wei jin and marty hehehehe maaan...that was SOOOOO good!!!!! hehe..yer...we got to walk through a pipe thing, climb into various backyards, see the creek, walk through various states of bush area ehehe....that was the best

Tuesday 15th
went to prashants house (yep...saw him three days in a row) and then jasmine, brady and marty came over...wei jin was meant to go but she got sick...heh...she ruined our team!! hehehehe...but yes...

Wednesday 16th
went to macquarie and watched bruce almighty with becca and channe...that was a better day then i thought it would turn out...hehehehehe...yer...

Thursday 17th
ahh...my rest day... i woke up at 11:00 and then ate and then read hehehehe....ahh such a relaxing day :)

Yer...that's my holidays so far and my dad is being a bitch right now...i'm so angry at him but i refuse to cry again and i refuse to get angry again so i take a deep breath and ignore him...methinks he's looking at me right now but i refuse to look at him...how dare he...he even put his own fucking music on...fuck i am so pissed at him right now...i don't want to talk to him...i want to cry...he fuckin goes off at me for all sorts of things and i fuckin hold it in...and there are tears coming to my eyes..i refuse to cry... he's such a bitch...why does he have to be such a dickhead to me? god...fuck him

okay...so tomorrow i plan to go to the city with jess...meeting her at eastwood at 10:30...not sure if i'm walking yet...i have yet to check the bus timetables lol...cos i don't want to download adobe acrobat on this comp...so i have to check timetables on my father's computer...

from friday night to sunday arvo...i'm gonna go to the snow...hurrah! with marc and his dad...i think he's still in the filz with his mum...hmm...

monday will be a rest day for me...and then back to school...*sigh*

okay...i don't want to chat in this anymore i just wanna get the task done and ignore my dad tomorrow and then call leigh

2003-07-06T21:25:00.000+10:00

Subject: It can't be
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Fabolous ft. Lil Mo - Can't Let You Go

i got saishu heiki kanojo!! YAY...i got the first volume of dvd...bwhaha...but now i have to go get the rest...maaan...

hrm..

i don't really know what to talk about anymore...i could write what i'm thinking but they are such random thoughts about lots of things that it wouldn't make any sense...although right now i can truly say i'm happy...and i'm happy that i'm happy...so i suppose you could call that double happiness teehee...

emotions are such..hmm...diverse? flexible? ever-changing? mixed? ... i can't find the word...but those are some of the ones that don't quite describe it...there is no way you can describe what you feel using just one word...words aren't really enough for anything if you think about it...i mean...when you're sad...you're not only sad..there are so many things going through your mind and...yes...i'm not making sense...i can't really put it in a "opto" type way...perhaps he will make a comment later to this and translate it...hehe...but yes...feelings and emotions are things which can't be described with words...you take one look at a persons face and you can read their emotions...well..i can...i mean...it registers in your head that they are feeling this, this and this and you just know...it's unspoken...gosh...am i even making sense?

well the point im trying to make is that...i don't know really...it's like....how can they make words to describe what we're feeling? argh...nevermind hehe...

when i was talking to my godsister..i made many realisations...and once again it was shoved in my face that i was alone...ish...hehe...it's not that i deny it...but i wonder what it is that's caused me to be this way...i mean...why can't i completely open up to anyone? why is it, even when i'm talking about myself, that i'm so vague, emotionless and speak as if in third person..like it's not me...i talk about my life as if it were a joke...as if i don't care...i can only draw the conclusion that i don't want to get hurt...but then...why am i like that in the first place??

i had an argument with my dad again today. that could be a reason why. i even cried...and i kept crying even afterwards...and i didn't know why i was still crying...but i took a deep breath and made it vanish...yes...i can do that...just take a breath and be normal again..is that a good thing or bad? anyway....yes...an argument with my dad...like every other day i'm with him...it could be anything at anytime...and i thought for a moment...maybe that's a reason why i am the way i am...but i don't know...i had a good childhood i think...

maybe my mum? she's strange...she's got issues herself...very long story really...but yes...she's put me through a lot...maybe because of them? but i really didn't have a bad childhood...why am i trying to find someone to blame? maybe i'm this way because i am.

i think about myself a lot really. is that normal? or is it in a way vain? i mean...i like thinking about who i am and how i've changed and why i've changed...things liek that....analysing myself...i love to observe and analyse things around me.

hmm i keep thinking about the things my godsister and i were talking about...about how i only show one emotion: happiness...she told me i was living a lie
and then i told her about the people i hurt and strung along and she said i was insecure and afraid of being alone and using them in a way....hurting them...being manipulative...i acted like i didn't care...like i always act...as if nothing gets to me...even when it does...it must really frustrate people...lol...but yes...i don't think my godsister meant to make me feel bad...but i do feel really bad thinking about it...about how i am manipulative and stuff...

at first i denied being insecure but as i went along telling my story to her..i realised i am insecure about some things...i suppose that's why i get jealous and i don't like introducing some friends to others...i suppose that's jealousy and selfishness too..

and as i was saying before...i remembered how i was alone. maybe that's why i strung them all along? because i was afraid of letting any of them go...and eventually i did...and then i remember what sevari said...because i only really talk to him and opto....he said it's because they hadn't "given in" and i'm like whaa? and he said as in...had some sort of more than friendship relationship with either of them...it's true...i wouldn't be surprised if the rest of them feel used..

i string them all along knowing in the end i'm going to be hurt...but i figure it's worth it for temporary un-loneliness and then it gets to the point where it's either me or them that has to get hurt and i hurt them...all i do is hurt people...*sigh*...well i suppose that's not completely true...but...sometimes it feels like i hurt people a lot...

wow...this ended up being a long rant about me me me...ahaha...so once again...my recent realisations...and when i say recent i mean only about 2 months ago...

it's interesting and yet so terrifying to make realisations like that about yourself...especially when it takes you oh so long to see it...

god i feel paranoid...mum keeps passing me...i know she wants to see what i'm writing she'll probably poke around later...i wish i had my laptop back..and my privacy ^^ never realised how secretive and privateish i was...

i'm so many things i never realised...i mean...it was only when i slept over at Marc's house that weekend that i realised how alone i was...loneliness...ahaha........okay..im a little too paranoid now...methinks i will make this friends only just incase she pokes around...but there's really no point considering what else is in here that isn't friends only that she'll see anyway...blah...forget it...

alright enough...i don't feel like confusing myself about myself anymore

2003-06-28T17:18:00.000+10:00

Subject: I know I am a brat.
Current Mood: Crappy
Current Music: Utada Hikaru - Deep River

I know I'm being a brat.

I know I am a brat.

I know that I practically *always* get what I want.

And now that I'm not..I know i'm wrong for going psycho over it.

But...do I care?

No.

I want to hurt him.

I'm not going to talk to him...I'm going to make him feel bad.

And just now..he bent over to kiss me bye and I moved away...now I feel a little guilty.

*stabs conscience*

die..die..

I just hope he doesn't die today...I don't know if I'd be able to forgive myself knowing that I was angry at my father when he died. Isn't ironic? Things like that always happen...daughters being angry at their fathers for one thing or another and then their dads going and dying on them. What a wonderful world we live in.

I wanted a nice weekend...and now it's ruined. Yes...I blame him. Do I give a fuck if it's really my fault? No. I want to hurt him. I want to make him feel horrible. I won't say much to him anymore...

I'm not sure if this is other issues or if this is just this...but I think this is more than me just not getting what I want. Or maybe I really am just a brat. Hmm...maybe I'm trying to justify me being angry..when really I am just plain wrong. Maybe.

I don't know. I just want to be happy...I was hoping I wouldn't cry this weekend. But I was so happy yesterday...yesterday was such a good day...and today is crap. Today I feel like crap. Damnitt...I just want to be happy.

I'm rambling along...I'm so angry...I'm so so angry...I want to talk to someone who'll understand..I want to talk to someone who is right here and can tell me gently that I'm wrong and then just hold me. I want so many things. Want want want. Me me me. Brag brag brag. Maybe I really am selfish? Yeah...enough of the maybe's. I am selfish. I am a brat. I just want to be understood and feel loved and I want to get what I want...

I want.

I'm probably not making sense...oh well...I want to talk to someone...it was nice talking to Leigh last night...lets bug M for his number...actually I would have but I thought she'd think I was like...stealing her boyfriend or something...oh well.

Yes...Leigh is hers. And Opto isn't anywhere. I haven't said much to him in these past few days. I just want to lie down go to sleep and never wake up. Then my dad will feel guilty. I want him to hurt badly.

I've run out of things to say now.

Bye

2003-06-27T17:51:00.000+10:00

Why does the world hide behind a mask? Almost everyone I know, they aren't quite what they seem. You suspect that they are indeed wearing a mask, but you never know for sure...you never know until they show what they believe is their real self. But what is someones true self? Why does everyone believe they have to hide a part of themselves?

2003-06-21T23:29:00.000+10:00

Subject: none;
Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: Silencia

lol

I needed to see what I was feeling...I can't rant properly...not when my emotions keep changing from one thing to another. What's wrong with me? I can deal with this...bwahaha...I think a lot of this is insecurities...about lots of things...I think that I really should just shut the fuck up. Never speak again. That way I'll never get involved with anyone anymore and I won't hurt anyone by saying stupid things. I'm so tired. I just want to lie down. I wish all this shit didn't get to me...I want to say what I'm feeling but if I do that I may hurt someone...although...I might have already hurt that someone by just this and the last post. I don't know anymore. I'm sure I'll be feeling something totally different to this by the time it's Sunday night. I'll be okay. I know it. heh...true optimism.

2003-06-21T22:56:00.000+10:00

I'm confused.

I'm sad.

I'm angry.

I'm insecure.

I want to be selfish.

I will be selfless.

I will let go.

I'm really trying.

I will not distance myself.

This will work.

I'll make it work.

I won't be manipulative.

I won't push you apart.

I'll pretend I never knew.

I'll find a way.

I don't really know what I'm feeling.

I wish I knew what I was feeling.

I'm not making sense.

I don't like her.

I want him to be happy.

I want to know what he's feeling.

Sometimes I wish I never knew.

I could pretend I never knew...

I'm tired.

I'm numb.

I'm stressed.

I'm not trying to get attention by writing this.

I want to pick up the pieces of my life.

I want to know why he picked that time to tell me and why he told me.

I think I'm really not okay with this.

I want to be okay with this.

I need to be okay with this.

I'm going to stop my train of thought..

now

2003-06-07T09:31:00.000+10:00

Subject: Do you really really want to see a brighter day?
Mood: Blank.
Music: Utada Hikaru - Tokyo Nights

I had the weirdest dream last night...I can't remember it properly, the only thing that I really remember is that Prashant and Marc were in it and we were all in jail or something like that...and because we were still in school we had to choose subjects so that tutors could come in and teach us while we were in jail...it was a nice jail though with benches and tables where we could get tutored and a pool (no idea why) and yeah...I just remember Prashant being upset that I didn't give him lots of attention and he was crying and I was holding him and saying sorry and he was rambling on about how I give all the attention to Marc...lol...anyway...that's the bit I most remember about the dream...I wonder what my subconscious must have been thinking for my dreams to conjure up something like that...

Last night was scary..we had Anime night and afterwards (11-11:30 ish) my dad was hungry so he decided to go to Harry's hot dog place thing and I reclined my car chair and he assumed I was gonna go to sleep and he got angry and gave me a hard time saying shit like, do you wanna go home? i'll just eat at home? and I screamed at him that he could eat. Then when we got there..not parking...so he turned into a street which was really deserted and dark..it was scary...so I told him that I didn't want him to park there and he got so pissed off, I could feel it, it was scary...he drove around and he was saying in a really mean voice "find a better parking spot. go on." and "is this street to 'scary' for you?" and he was driving so recklessly cos he was so pissed off...I was so scared..I started crying after he sped up this alley really fast..I could feel the engine shuddering and it was really scary..he was trying to scare me on purpose..and then I started crying and I couldn't stop...and we ended up going home and he didn't eat Harry's..and yeah...

what i'm still trying to figure out is why I cried so much...

i saw the school counseller 3/4 weeks ago and she told me this story of this raft which was going down a river and it picked up all these animals as it went along, really big animals and other small animals and there were so many but the raft still didn't sink, but when the raft stopped to pick up a small mouse..it sunk. What the story meant was that, there are only so many things you can keep inside and hold up on your back and that the smallest thing can set it off...so you can be the raft holding these huge animals and lots of them...but all it takes is a little mouse for you to sink...

maybe this was that mouse?

i don't know...but at least I know I can still cry...my dad is usually the one who can make me cry...I can't really cry about anything else...anyway..how embarassing...I like keeping the image that I never cry and i'm always happy...

oh my god...the day is so beautiful..we're gonna go to ashfield today to some record stores he wants to find some good salsa music and stuff...im happy we're going out..it's such a nice day...and I get the feeling this long weekend is gonna be a REALLY nice weekend but my mom doesn't want me to go out on sunday and monday...if i have to be cooped up at home with her for a nice long weekend...i swear to god i'm gonna chuck the biggest psycho...god...okay...anyway...*deep breath*...

i have nothing else to write about..that was my night...heh...

baii

2003-05-24T22:40:00.000+10:00

It's actually the 28th of July 2005. I'm using this post to reflect on some of the events I've just read. It's really funny actually, looking back on it now. The reason I'm using this date is because there's a post here, which is fairly significant, but I don't want to backlog it because it contains a lot of extra fluff that I just don't want to include. Basically, this is around the time I began cutting myself. I don't do it anymore... well, not much. Only when I'm really angry at the world (usually one or both of my parents) and I want to punish them by inflicting damage on myself. It's also strangely relieving. That's the significant part.

Anyway, looking back is strange. All of these things that happened then seem so long ago. I'm such a different person now. Yet I'm the same. Let me show you why, quoting some of my post from over 2 years ago.

"hi again! i'm coping...my defense system is up and running..."
And if you read one of my recent entries, you'll see that I say a similar thing about my emotions and my defense mechanism.

"i'm beginning to think i'm some emotionless..thing..i can't cry...my defense systems are working a little TOO well...lol....i dunno...i just..waah..."
I still think I can be emotionless when I want to or feel that I need to appear so.

"and right now i feel i really need to cry..it's like this big pressure in my chest...this big thing dying to be released..but it can't...and it hurts...alkfjlajfl blah.."
I still get that feeling.

*meeps*
That is all.

2003-05-11T09:16:00.000+10:00

Subject: What is love?
Current Mood: Apathetic
Current Music: Bonnie Pink - Thinking Of You

Last night I almost cried... I'm not sure if i should be worried that I'm not crying over him or that I am actually near crying because of him... I mean...he couldn't control it...it makes me wonder how much he loves me.. I think he's stopped now but then that made me wonder if he doesn't miss me as much or if he's controlling it... I'm one confused little bunny ^^

You (whoever you are) know there are only few things I care about in this world now... and I think I can feel one of the only people I really truly love slipping away from me... I guess all the nasty things I do/I've done are taking its toll...and I can't help but wonder...why does he still love me? After all that i've put him through...he can still say, "I love you"

If you asked god what love was...he'd say all that stuff about it not knowing jealousy or anger but rejoicing in truth and all that crap...does that mean i don't know how to love? oh well...enough of my weird weird thoughts

2003-03-24T16:09:00.000+11:00

Subject: When this began, I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
Current Mood: Depressed.
Current Music: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong

I don't know what's going or what has gone wrong in my life to make me feel like this. I cried last night a little...before I went to sleep. I feel as if I'm not strong enough to handle everything right now and...I feel lost in my life for once. I don't want to go to school anymore, I just want to sleep and sleep or lie down and think and wonder what went wrong and why...

All I could say was...why? While I was crying I was thinking 'why' and I was saying it too...I've never felt like this before, is this what depression is like? Why am I suddenly like this? I DON'T GET IT!!! I'm frustrated and there's no one that's here that can help me through this, whatever it is...I have to face this on my own before I'm so depressed that I don't want to do anything at all. I know there are so many people who'd listen to me...but they wouldn't understand and then there's so many people who would listen and understand...but they're not in Sydney! For once in my life, I feel truly alone.

2003-03-23T17:38:00.000+11:00

Subject: Hello world, this is me.
Current Mood: Distressed
Current Music: TATU - Zachem Ya

Yesterday was an interesting/depressing "growth" experience. I was going to watch Marc do his musical thing and then sleepover, but I ended up going shopping with his mum instead. We talked about so many things, so many aspects of her life and how she's been handling it and so on. I listened to her and I said my opinion about the way she's living her life, I found it hard to believe that my opinion mattered so much to her, when I'm only 14 and she's 35, yet here I was giving her advice on how to live her life. It was a strange feeling, thinking that she was talking to me as an equal, as another adult and that she respected me and what I had to say. Sometimes it seemed like she was going to cry, the way her voice cracked, but I don't think she wanted to cry when we were meant to be shopping.
After that, we picked up Marc and I saw everybody and I convinced Prashant to sleepover a little later as well, that was good. Umm...nothing interesting happened in that space of time, but when we (Tita Bless, Marc and I) went back to Marc's mum's house (his parents are divorced), they had an argument and all the things that were getting to Tita Bless (Marc's mum) just seemed to be expressing itself in this situation and I suddenly realised the extent of the problems in their relationship. Then Tita Bless started crying and shouting and she walked off into the bathroom by herself. I looked at Marc and he looked so pissed off and so guilty and so sad all at the same time, it broke my heart to see this family like this.
I tried to explain to him how much his mum needed him right now and that sometimes she just needs to be reminded how much he loves her, he understood but I think he was just so angry about it. He feels as if it's his fault his mum's unhappy and that if he didn't exist, everything would be better. So for most of the time they were both crying, I stayed and comforted Marc and tried to explain everything to him. Then at the end I talked a little to Tita Bless and she's blaming herself for Marc's unhappiness, so basically, they're blaming themselves for each others unhappiness and so they're both unhappy. After talking to Tita Bless she decided they needed to talk, so I waited outside watching the TV which was on mute while they spoke in Marc's room.
Prashant was due to arrive anytime soon, so I held Marc's mobile phone waiting for Prashant to call. I was going to go downstairs get Prashant and wait outside their apartment door until they were finished with their talk. It took long enough for him to get there and we sat out there and talked and Prashant attempted to study.
Finally they opened the door and apparently they didn't finish their talk, they only put it on hold until later, I guess they had no other choice, but things like that are hard to start up again and I'll never know if they resolved their issues...

It was so depressing with them both crying, and for it all to be happening in front of me.

So that was that and I think they made an agreement that they wouldn't argue that weekend since Prashant and I were there.

Later on we were all in Marc's bedroom, Prashant and I lying next to each other and Marc sitting in a chair right next to the bed. We talked about a lot of things, but what i remember is our talk about how Prashant had changed. The "new" Prashant. Earlier today Marc was saying how he was worried and that he thinks that it was like Prashant had become Soul-less. It's not that he was soul-less...he had just stopped caring for people. To put it better, he's decided that emotions are annoying pesky things that get in the way and only get you hurt. He doesn't want to get hurt. I understand, but I don't like it, it's made him colder, but that's because he doesn't care, so he doesn't realise that he's hurting other people.
He asked me why I didn't like the new him and I thought about it, I'm not sure if I know the answer, but I was like, "I thought you didn't care?". He said he just wanted to know why and I thought about it and I said, "I'll tell you the answer when you care." I'm not sure if it got to him or not, but hopefully it did, I'm trying to make him see how he's perspective of what 'Friends' are have changed drastically because of his new outlook on life. He views friends as people you have fun with but not people you have to open up to emotionally, he's just afraid that he'll hurt someone because he won't be able to return the care that people will feel for him if he shared his emotions. That's what happened with Rose.
But there was something he said to me that got to me, "You're kinda like me in a way." And I couldn't see how that could be. I'm not emotionless or anything, and he said, "In the sense that you just like friends for fun..." And that got me thinking, who am I emotionally close to? Who can I share my problems with so that the weight of everyones and my own problems can be shifted and shared so that I can handle it better? Also, who have I allowed to care for me? So many questions popped up suddenly and I realised, I couldn't think of anyone that I could tell all these things to, like someone my age or someone who's actually here in Sydney. Either, I'm not close enough or I don't think they could handle it. No offense, it's not like I'm bragging that I'm all higher than everyone and I could handle more, but it is true.

I get close to people without getting close to them.

That's how I put it, I don't know if it makes sense, but it makes sense to me. I only realised that today after I was venting to my dad...

Anyway, so everything that had happened to me yesterday plus the fact that I had fainted and I've been feeling like I can't catch up to the time I've lost, plus the fact that I haven't done my history essay and my science assignment so I feel really guilty and it all just...it's all getting to me. Sort of like, I thought that I could handle everything life had to throw my way, but everything just seems to be catching up. The only thing that kept me from breaking down at Marc's house, was the fact that I vented to Chadd. But...right now, I'm waiting for something to set me off...anything...something...I don't know...

Waiting...