It's weird how I have so many things floating around in my brain but I haven't had the chance to write any of it down. Maybe because I still don't fully understand all of it... how can I explain things that I don't get myself? I guess I can try... no promises that it will make sense though...

(20.03)

I'll start with Sunny. So... random messaging with him turned into a full blown conversation on the phone one night. It reminded me of all the times that I'd opened up to random people. It's so much easier... they barely know you plus they put forward a new perspective. Also, it's not that you don't care about what they think, but you don't care too much for it to fuck you up in one way or another.

He brought something new to the table though. I found out later it wasn't what Josh had said but more what Sunny had assumed or thought because he couldn't imagine it to be any other way. But it helped nonetheless. I still don't quite get how it helped me... it just did. He thought that Josh was just putting me on a guilt trip and that he was mostly just acting that way because that's how you're supposed to react. I didn't know whether to believe him or not at the time, but somehow it made me feel better. I felt a bit foolish... because if that was the case... then I was the biggest fool ever. And in turn that made me angry. But I thought twice about it and there was no way that it could have been just a guilt trip... then I felt guilty for even thinking him capable of that. But... it kinda knocked me back up again. Being a bit angry at him for those few seconds, even though now I don't think it's true, reminded me that I shouldn't have to punish myself forever and be this sad mess following him around and catering to his every whim to try and make up for it. I guess Sunny's different perspective also let me step back and actually look at everything. And all of this somehow just let me let it go...

As for what I said above... my gut tells me I'm forgiven but the deeds are not forgotten and never will be.

So now we're moving forward again...

(Back to present date...)

It felt different for me this time. We were sitting on the play equipment bridge under the dark cloudy sky that was threatening to rain down on us (and did for a bit) with mosquitoes eating us alive... but for me, it couldn't have been sweeter. He cupped my face and kissed me tenderly... it was slow and meaningful... nevermind that I had to occasionally pull away to slap my leg or arm... it didn't matter. It was like... no, it IS like we both want more from each other. I don't exactly know what we're both waiting for though... all I know is that it is moving in that direction and... I like it.