First and foremost I'm sitting here extremely pissed off. It's fucking 12:40am and I want to go the fuck home. I should have just fucking walked. FUCKING OATH. I wanted to sleep early... I have to wake the fuck early tomorrow to go to fucking work... I want to take a shower... I feel icky from work today - no wait - YESTERDAY! Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck this... I want to go home... I can't even get into fucking contact with my father. I want to scream... and the more I type about it the harder I hit the keys on the keyboard and the more I get worked up about it.

*breathes*

Besides that... I was sitting and listening to my current favourite song (Jason Mraz - I'm Yours) and looking up at the stars while waiting at Ermington (waiting... always waiting) and I saw a shooting star! That made my night. It made me smile... I felt like it was some sort of sign... for what, I don't know... but something positive. I just thought I'd mention how randomly happy that made me.

Weird... I'm actually updating this... probably because I have nothing better to do. Actually now I find I'm writing everywhere but my diary... weird.

So I won't hesitate
No more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm yours

[Jason Mraz - I'm Yours]

I've been too fucked off my face to properly think about the events of Saturday night... but now I'm coming down and there's a perfectly good broadband connection right here. By the way... the song I've quoted up there is one of the most sweetest songs ever. Currently in love with it. Just had to mention how awesome it is =)

I ended up drinking, not that I said that I wouldn't, but I really have to sit down and make myself drink nowadays and that's if I want to get trashed... I'm not sure what it was that set me off... could have been Sam, could have been Josh... maybe both. So maybe I was pissed off but I knew I shouldn't have been so one hand reached for a shot glass and the other for some random Russian alcohol.

5 shots and a billion cigarettes later, my mind switched to power-tripping/predatory mode. Just when Jared and Lisa got there too. So I got the hot Russian chick then proceeded to ask permission from both parties (Lisa and Josh) and next thing I knew I was making out with Jared... then Lisa, Hanya (sorry... don't know how to spell that), Grace and the random Russian guy.

I don't ever want to that again. Ever. It's always good fun at the time, while I'm drunk and not thinking about how I'd feel about it all later... but then for a few days after I'm still thinking about it. But the overall outcome was positive (to the point of cornyness) I guess... I mean that all of that made me realise how much I actually do like Josh, why waste time making out with other people (who don't compare)?

I'm not making sense and I'm starting to sound horribly... obsessive/sweet/corny etc. Whatever you want to call it. *big ass sigh*

Oh and I've figured out what would make me jealous... it was when I was off my face last night and listening to Mr. Brightside. I can't stand the thought of Josh being with someone the way he is with me... physically and/or emotionally. Well not physically physically... like... if I imagine him grabbing someones ass with the same kind of desire/enthusiasm etc. that he does with me... or him being particularly affectionate with anyone... like when he kisses me on the forehead... or even kissing someone else the way he kisses me... but then I don't know if that's in my head that there's actually more to the kiss... more meaning... god... the more I try to explain it the more it doesn't make sense at all. Well -I- think that he doesn't/hasn't/didn't kiss anyone else with the same kind of... feeling(?)/emotion(?) (If you can call it that) that he does with me. Well that's what I'm hoping. Okay... I'll stop... at least it makes sense to me.

What else? I actually thought of a whole shitload to say but I don't want to... because. I'll sound stupid and insecure as per usual... so fuck that.

And on that note, goodnight.

All the way now,
Can't you see I'm falling
All the way down
And all around yeah
Oh and it's okay
I wouldn't say I'm lonely
More just alone
Cause you see
I want you

[Killing Heidi - Undertow]

P.S. Re-falling in love with this song again too...

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cos it hurts

I'm sitting here... amazingly still drug fucked out of my mind. I'm falling in love with this song all over again... it's just so passionate, sad and sexy all at the same time. God. I can't stop thinking about him either... today was just... unexplainably awesome. The weather was perfect. The surroundings were calm. We lay in the grass for forever. We talked... it was sweet. He was sweet. I can still feel his nails running across my skin slowly... We kissed so gently, so sensually... I just can't explain how much I felt that moment. I wish we could have stayed there forever. I wish we had all the time in the world to pretend like we're all that's in it.

But that moment is gone... just a far away memory...