thursday. the day after my first valentines @ outback

"ahhhhhhhhhh."

it's so good being able to just sit here, with no disturbances, my awesome music playing nice and loud, the internet and a cigarette in hand. i'm actually now in a really good mood, and once again glad that josh has woken me up early. means i'll be more productive during the day and sleep at a decent hour.

wow. a sudden hit of appreciating josh. he's sort of encouraging/challenging/making/helping/supporting me to get another job and/or at least do something with my life. he's a positive influence in my life. it makes me really happy to be able to say something like that. i have an awesome boyfriend. how many people can say that?

the other day (tuesday i think) we got talking about money (as usual) and how he needs to do his resume and get a new job and how i've been thinking that i need to get a second job during the day because i need more money as well. so he signed me up to seek.com.au because he knew i'd keep putting it off. showed me where to look. then he woke me up early this morning. told me that he expected me to have updated my resume and sent it to 7-10 different jobs by 10:30 tonight. if i send it to 10 i get a surprise. god. he's even giving me incentive.

ANYWAY, so i'm in a good mood. i've only applied for one job... but i've taken a break to just chillax, update my journal at a nice pace and reflect and think stoner thoughts. it's fun looking for a job though, now that i'm in the rhythm of it. and i think about how fun and interesting it would be. the new people. the new atmosphere. new things to learn. something to do during the day. MONEY!!! =)=)=) but yes. so i'm quite motivated right now.

me and my dad were so on the same level last night. it was cool. had lots of awesome profound thought exchanges which all tied in neatly at the end. it was about different views on life, people, how my mum and dad have switched beliefs maybe as a sort of result of their divorce etc.

oooh. i've just gotten distracted by this old pamphlet i've kept and now re-found. it's for sae college. looks kinda cool. weird epiphany like train of thought which ended in the question: when did i stop not being sure and actually maybe wanting to do something like that? as in an audio or multimedia course sae offer which in the end will maybe offer me job opportunities in radio, recording studios, sound engineering etc. or advertising, design bureaus, internet etc. ?

hello again. not that you would know by reading this that i went and got distracted again. for an extremely long time since it's already 7:05 and i haven't had a cigarette since like...3! blah. i've only sent 5 job applications. i really can't be bothered to do anymore... it's the cover letter's. they're seriously killing me. why does there always have to be something so menial and tedious to go with everything that needs to be done? why?

now it's 9:20 and i think this entry shall come to an end til i actually have a particular thing to write about (not including my back logs!)

[Current mood: satisfied]
[Current music: matt weddle - hey ya]

wednesday. with gajan..? (what should i do? should i call out to you?)

interestingly i spent my wednesday with gajan. woke up around 10 and he was in my room chilling. got ... (what's new?) and then mentioned that i really wanted to watch a movie called "pan's labyrinth" at the dendy in newtown. black man just got paid and said he'd take me to see it. pretty cool.

so we made it to eastwood around 2:30 i think. had panda garden for lunch. stocked up on cigarettes. caught the train, changed at strathfield. got to newtown. went straight to dendy. pan's labyrinth was worth seeing, but a bit slow. afterwards we grabbed a really nice and affordable thai dinner.

went our separate ways and i met up with josh at west ryde. played pool at the tavern for about an hour.

it was really nice to get home and be in my room chilling by myself.

[Current music: snow patrol - chasing cars]

tuesday. the quest of delivering sammi to tafe. (wasn't i strong enough, to make you see...)

i think i'm doing this more logically now. w00t.

tuesday... josh left early in the morning with camille... both had stuffs to do during the day. made a promise to josh to get sammi out of the house and to meadowbank by 12:30pm. so woke up at about 11am, sammi and gajan still asleep on the couch. went about my business, showered and woke them about 10 mins before we had to leave.

met up with josh. we were all starving (and i had some money YAY!) so we ate chinese. enrolled sammi into tafe, checked josh's exemptions (bludger!) then eventually somehow we made it to spur's and played pool ($1!). left at around 10:30 i think and gajan ended up crashing at mine. got ... as per usual and crashed late as per usual =P

[Current music: dashboard confessional - ender will save us all]

monday. the day my havaianas died. (cos it's not fair to love you in chains.)

yeah. i'm back-logging.

so monday what did i do? one of my thongs broke in the morning, just as i got to the freakin' bus stop. figures. it was either, catch the next bus (an hour away and i was already late) and get heels from home or figure something out once i got to parramatta. i caught the bus and convinced marc (who was on the phone to me at the time of crisis) to walk down to the station with a pair of thongs and then to buy me new havaianas (i have no money =P). they're dark grey. once again i'm so lucky to have someone like marc in my life. after crisis was averted... we went back to his place and proceeded to climb into unreality. only for the morning for me though, since i had dinner at night. played warioware all day. awesomely random game to the maxxxx!!!

at night was the dinner. met up with jess after she finished work and made our way to the venue. others slowly joined us... but some of us went off to play pool while waiting, me being among them. the dinner was alright... felt sort of out of place, considering that this was all marsden people... this was their group. and unfortunately the good cd i brought didn't work and we were stuck with very little good music. my table only ate one entree (a bowl of chips =P) since none of us had any money. how sad. so mostly sat outside dancing and smoking and talking the entire night.

stopped by one world again, played pool, danced salsa and eventually left around 10:30pm. went back to my place and ... me and my boy broke our little deal for one night (mutually!) since we just can't help ourselves =P. that was hilariously funny for me but i won't go into details why... because i said so. oh and it seems that every week my bathroom toilet is making friends with a different person.

[Current music: nelly furtado - say it right]

sunday. plus one day of reflection.

i've successfully stayed home. spent the day in unreality, completely baked. couldn't comprehend anything my boy was saying over the phone. i'm so bad when i'm gone. but talked to marc for a bit but we were both immersed in our own activities to really trip out together.
i was caught up being all voyeuristic. exploring lj and looking at latest posts... sort of researching the people whose entries i find interesting. i feel like such a stalker. but hey it entertained me. i keep meaning to play baldurs gate but i'm so distracted with lj and the internet. i guess it's been a long time since i've had such readily available and comfortable connection. that's why i'm back.
i've just finished a cigarette and remembered that this time i was just going to write wherever my thoughts take me instead of tracking back and trying to continue on the theme of what i was writing about before all neatly. if that makes any sense. probably not because as i was writing that sentence i kept thinking about how insanely long it was. so was that one. maybe i should stop? wow. i get to ramble sufficiently. and sort of keep up with my thought process since typing is faster than writing.
so this is basically what i've been doing all day. it's only 11:10 now and i woke up at like... 2:30. yes i'm a lazy bitch. i know. i'm slowly but surely crushing the laziness out of me. which sorta reminds me. i've been reading my journal from start to finish... and i was such a hyper little thing. i have changed a lot... yet fundamentally i'm still me. i wonder what it would be like meeting my past self.

now i'm sorting through some old cd's. god i'm one sentimental bitch. anyway, so i start playing a cd and completely forgot what i was doing. my own music is sucking me in.

gotta make a cd for tonight's dinner. early night morning for me. the plan for today is: going to parra to spend the day with marc and spend the night at a dinner i don't have money for. then go back to mine and smoke up with the normal 5. so there's an idea of what to expect for my next entry.

[Current music: in public - kelis ft. nas]

day 2 pt. II (friday) and day 3 (saturday)... (and already this is failing)

a continuation of explaining yesterday (which is actually the day before yesterday).

...long story short, i spent way more than i should have yesterday (well the day before, but i haven't slept yet!). that was 2 pairs of shorts, a pair of earrings and 2 cd's. what's with the pairs? anyway, it was a fun day nonetheless... having the time and company to enjoy stores that i wish i could go to more often. i guess i just got fed up with not buying anything for myself. but now i'm paying for it. dipping into my savings account like i said i wouldn't. i can't believe it. i think i should start a rule: buy one thing for myself every week. just one. that way i can get what i want without suddenly splurging because i never buy anything for me.
went to work. shit night. no tips. then had to rush getting changed. rush to the station. run for the train at stratty. by then i was pissed off. to top it off, i hadn't had a cigarette. irrational. unreasonable. immature. but hey my night rendered me irate.
made it to lidcombe. then a not so quick stop off at mcdonalds (which i've stopped eating). made it to the black man's house. proceeded to his local for $2 pool and $2.50 beer. i had absolutely no money except for transport to get home. managed to play lots of pool anyway. i think i just might be getting better. the music was good. turned up loud, good base and pretty good songs - which we didn't have to pay for.
observed the group interaction. the dynamics of the group have changed. it's odd how quickly it did. it's odd how i've also become part of it all. caught up in it all. how the rest of my night turned out, i've just realised, has allowed me to take a step back and remember that i don't have to be... but then... there are no other dramas in my life.
the rest of the night was basically ending up at winston hills and majority of us feeling pissed off at having to go. we felt further away and inconvenienced. but none of us objected. we all hopped in the car and went. so can we really be pissed off? but after arriving and sufficiently bitching, we eventually decided on a taxi for us to go home. i felt sort of rude doing that.
got home at 5. boy went upstairs and straight to sleep. sam crashed downstairs. i decided to sleep at around 6. then the morning birds came. (see previous entry)

***

day 3 from day 4's point of view. so, yesterday was...

waking up at 2pm. i must've pulled the blinds down whilst escaping the morning birds and the light of dawn. but it at least allowed us to sleep in. bummed around my house for a couple of hours, pondering how the black man made it here.
fulfilled promise to myself not to give in. but i must say it's getting harder - he's really trying to get me to give in.
left the house around 4:45. got to work. ate some food. (some food which i've only just finished now. yum) Had one party table of 28. partayed with them and got to bludge legit at work. got a decent tip (i worked it for that table damnitt) and then had a good conversation with mc at the train station and on the train.
got home at 11:40pm. got high. talked to my dad. talked to the boy. talked to my dad some more. slept at 6am.

it's 5:15pm and i'm coming down, but i'll be going back up soon.

[Current mood: ditzy]
[Current music: into the ocean - evermore]

day 2ish (friday on the wee hours of saturday) (picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly)

it's so quiet right now. i mean the house. i look over my shoulder and remember that josh is lying asleep on my bed, then remember sam is downstairs. there are 5 people in this house and it's just me awake. it's quiet.

yesterday/today (again! how confusing.) was...

being woken up at the unglodly hour of 7:30am. josh. early and taking public transport! what the..? the one time i wanted and needed to sleep in (didn't get to bed til 5:30). but i slept in for another 15 minutes, showered and made it out of the house (even remembering my toothbrush! i never remember it. and hey the one time i do i end up back at home anyway! oh the irony) looking good and feeling a bit less grumpy. in the meantime i was having phone conversations with josh involving me complaining about being so early... but i thanked him later. funny. i just realised in the entry before i was complaining about waking up too late... now too early.
apologies for the random mini tangents. you can probably guess why... it's 5:45. I've almost been up for 24hrs! wow.

i'll continue this confused entry later. i must flee. the morning birds have come.

[Current mood: gone]
[Current music: a perfect circle - 3 libra's]

day 1 (thursday). (the half day)

i felt like she was angry with me... probably for not being around as much again especially when they're due to start uni. she had to go and said she'd call me back but didn't.
i was awake by then. rolled my ass out of bed and dragged it next to my newly acquired toy (thus the want to get back in touch with my internet-life). remembered to call josh. looked at the clock and realised that once again i've gotten out of bed at the disgusting hour of 1pm. i sleep too much nowadays. anyway, had conversation with him on and off til his phone ran out of battery.
got ready for work. cigarettes, phone, wallet, keys, music. yay my new baby... ipod shuffle! courtesy of the awesomely funky (like a spunky monkey) marc exclamation mark. happily made my way to work, attempting to be at one with my new baby.
i got to work and realised that i missed an important meeting to do a sort of assessment for a certificate in hospitality. all the people who were signed up for it were doing it. i didn't know about it... but i was too lazy and hungry to care... but thinking about it now, it's really annoying because now i don't know what stage i'm at for the certificate and all the assessments it entails.
ending that rant, i decided to eat a no rules burger with cheese, grilled onions, egg, pineapple, lettuce and bbq sauce. mmm... i'm making myself hungry. but that's what i ate. and it came with chips and i dipped it in our honey mustard sauce. i feel like i'm advertising... but i really did enjoy that meal.
ANYWAY, had a fun time at work, gained a badge from a japanese chick who works in outback in japan. gave me two badges of hers from japan (and i'm like... what? she carries them around with her wherever she goes?) and we traded. went out for a cigarette without asking and got in trouble, but while my manager was telling me off also told me i was one of his best servers, one of his favourites and good with big groups. he said i was lucky otherwise he would've gone off at me harder. i wasn't impressed. or they think i'm innocent and don't want to hurt my feelings by letting me down softly? that's what my mind just concocted but... i don't think so.
finished late (say... 11:30 ish) and $20 richer. figured i didn't want to go to winston hills and headed home... happily conversing (for some reason i was really talkative today) with josh and every once in a while i'd pat the spot where my baby lay... calling me to listen to it.
got home. home to a wonderfully clean room and back to my p00ter. that was at 12 and now it's 4. i should really sleep but i keep on having more and then lighting a cigarette. and i'm stuck in that endless cycle. but this will be my last cigarette. and then sleep.

goodnight. i probably should have read that over.

[Current mood: high]
[Current music: beautiful collision - bic runga]