Subject: Hello world, this is me.Current Mood: 
Distressed
Current Music: TATU - Zachem Ya
Yesterday was an interesting/depressing "growth" experience. I was going to watch Marc do his musical thing and then sleepover, but I ended up going shopping with his mum instead. We talked about so many things, so many aspects of her life and how she's been handling it and so on. I listened to her and I said my opinion about the way she's living her life, I found it hard to believe that my opinion mattered so much to her, when I'm only 14 and she's 35, yet here I was giving her advice on how to live her life. It was a strange feeling, thinking that she was talking to me as an equal, as another adult and that she respected me and what I had to say. Sometimes it seemed like she was going to cry, the way her voice cracked, but I don't think she wanted to cry when we were meant to be shopping.
After that, we picked up Marc and I saw everybody and I convinced Prashant to sleepover a little later as well, that was good. Umm...nothing interesting happened in that space of time, but when we (Tita Bless, Marc and I) went back to Marc's mum's house (his parents are divorced), they had an argument and all the things that were getting to Tita Bless (Marc's mum) just seemed to be expressing itself in this situation and I suddenly realised the extent of the problems in their relationship. Then Tita Bless started crying and shouting and she walked off into the bathroom by herself. I looked at Marc and he looked so pissed off and so guilty and so sad all at the same time, it broke my heart to see this family like this.
I tried to explain to him how much his mum needed him right now and that sometimes she just needs to be reminded how much he loves her, he understood but I think he was just so angry about it. He feels as if it's his fault his mum's unhappy and that if he didn't exist, everything would be better. So for most of the time they were both crying, I stayed and comforted Marc and tried to explain everything to him. Then at the end I talked a little to Tita Bless and she's blaming herself for Marc's unhappiness, so basically, they're blaming themselves for each others unhappiness and so they're both unhappy. After talking to Tita Bless she decided they needed to talk, so I waited outside watching the TV which was on mute while they spoke in Marc's room.
Prashant was due to arrive anytime soon, so I held Marc's mobile phone waiting for Prashant to call. I was going to go downstairs get Prashant and wait outside their apartment door until they were finished with their talk. It took long enough for him to get there and we sat out there and talked and Prashant attempted to study.
Finally they opened the door and apparently they didn't finish their talk, they only put it on hold until later, I guess they had no other choice, but things like that are hard to start up again and I'll never know if they resolved their issues...
It was so depressing with them both crying, and for it all to be happening in front of me.
So that was that and I think they made an agreement that they wouldn't argue that weekend since Prashant and I were there.
Later on we were all in Marc's bedroom, Prashant and I lying next to each other and Marc sitting in a chair right next to the bed. We talked about a lot of things, but what i remember is our talk about how Prashant had changed. The "new" Prashant. Earlier today Marc was saying how he was worried and that he thinks that it was like Prashant had become Soul-less. It's not that he was soul-less...he had just stopped caring for people. To put it better, he's decided that emotions are annoying pesky things that get in the way and only get you hurt. He doesn't want to get hurt. I understand, but I don't like it, it's made him colder, but that's because he doesn't care, so he doesn't realise that he's hurting other people.
He asked me why I didn't like the new him and I thought about it, I'm not sure if I know the answer, but I was like, "I thought you didn't care?". He said he just wanted to know why and I thought about it and I said, "I'll tell you the answer when you care." I'm not sure if it got to him or not, but hopefully it did, I'm trying to make him see how he's perspective of what 'Friends' are have changed drastically because of his new outlook on life. He views friends as people you have fun with but not people you have to open up to emotionally, he's just afraid that he'll hurt someone because he won't be able to return the care that people will feel for him if he shared his emotions. That's what happened with Rose.
But there was something he said to me that got to me, "You're kinda like me in a way." And I couldn't see how that could be. I'm not emotionless or anything, and he said, "In the sense that you just like friends for fun..." And that got me thinking, who am I emotionally close to? Who can I share my problems with so that the weight of everyones and my own problems can be shifted and shared so that I can handle it better? Also, who have I allowed to care for me? So many questions popped up suddenly and I realised, I couldn't think of anyone that I could tell all these things to, like someone my age or someone who's actually here in Sydney. Either, I'm not close enough or I don't think they could handle it. No offense, it's not like I'm bragging that I'm all higher than everyone and I could handle more, but it is true.
I get close to people without getting close to them.
That's how I put it, I don't know if it makes sense, but it makes sense to me. I only realised that today after I was venting to my dad...
Anyway, so everything that had happened to me yesterday plus the fact that I had fainted and I've been feeling like I can't catch up to the time I've lost, plus the fact that I haven't done my history essay and my science assignment so I feel really guilty and it all just...it's all getting to me. Sort of like, I thought that I could handle everything life had to throw my way, but everything just seems to be catching up. The only thing that kept me from breaking down at Marc's house, was the fact that I vented to Chadd. But...right now, I'm waiting for something to set me off...anything...something...I don't know...
Waiting...
Subject: When this began, I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me.
Depressed.
