Subject: Yet another holiday recap.
Current Mood: Pissed Off
Current Music: Eminem - Superman

hello...i thought i ought to give you a recap of my holidays then...because i haven't really told you properly what i've been doing...i've been too busy to properly update and then livejournal pulls shit like internal errors or i forget about the entry i'm writing and then i don't feel like writing anymore...or i'm not in the same mood or i'm busy...but now i can actually sit down and write what i want to write...but perhaps i should pee first...hold on..

okay...got chocolate too! hehe...i'm downloading songs right now and chatting to opto...and i'm about to break myself a row of cadbury dairy milk chocolate...done.

alright...

Saturday 5th
hmm...i don't remember exactly what i did..methinks i went to the city with my dad...oh that's right! i bought pants, broke my slippers and put them back together with bandaids :P and then my dad made me buy new shoes...etc etc methinks i have an entry on this...

Sunday 6th
went to the city again to buy the dvds we saw on saturday...had an argument...did the usual cry-about-something in the car because of something or rather...usually something to do with my dad...but sometimes other things...but yes...i cry every weekend so i suppose i was waiting for it...but yes...we did end up buying the dvd's and i got a saishu heiki dvd!!

Monday 7th
went to mum's office...it's EXTREMELY funky and that's the only word i can use to describe it :) aand then walked around north sydney, city and chatswood with VP (stepdad) and yeh...bought evanescence and ashanti and a cd holder thingymabobby...aand yer...somehow my money seems to be disappearing...

Tuesday 8th
nothing methinks...bludge day but at night i finally got onto the phone with leigh...was resisting asking for his number...m's property and all..but oh well...and then we spent 7 hrs on the phone...would have been longer but my cordless ran out of battery went to sleep at 6:30am

Wednesday 9th
nothing during the day but at night was ate's debut she turned 18 and all...it was boring and everybody was hungry but after everyone ate it was fun because we danced and stuff and at the end we were singing and stuff...was so fun..

Thursday 10th
bludge

Friday 11th
went to parra at 12:30...m was working from 11-2 and i met leigh there so we walked around and talked til 2 and then met m and walked around parra and yeh...it was very interesting day...leigh's hair is funny...but he's planning on changing it...then at night i cleaned most of my stuff up so i could go to macquarie next day...

Saturday 12th
went to macquarie with jess and watched charlies angels full throttle and yer...that was fun...then at night finished cleaning my room so i could go out on sunday

Sunday 13th
prashant picked me up from my place at eastwood and then we went to hornsby met wei jin and then met dush and we basically just walked around hornsby and talked...that was good day i laughed a lot and yer...went to my dads house at night

Monday 14th
BUSHWALKING!!! man that was the best time EVER...hehehehe....it was me, prashant, m, wei jin and marty hehehehe maaan...that was SOOOOO good!!!!! hehe..yer...we got to walk through a pipe thing, climb into various backyards, see the creek, walk through various states of bush area ehehe....that was the best

Tuesday 15th
went to prashants house (yep...saw him three days in a row) and then jasmine, brady and marty came over...wei jin was meant to go but she got sick...heh...she ruined our team!! hehehehe...but yes...

Wednesday 16th
went to macquarie and watched bruce almighty with becca and channe...that was a better day then i thought it would turn out...hehehehehe...yer...

Thursday 17th
ahh...my rest day... i woke up at 11:00 and then ate and then read hehehehe....ahh such a relaxing day :)

Yer...that's my holidays so far and my dad is being a bitch right now...i'm so angry at him but i refuse to cry again and i refuse to get angry again so i take a deep breath and ignore him...methinks he's looking at me right now but i refuse to look at him...how dare he...he even put his own fucking music on...fuck i am so pissed at him right now...i don't want to talk to him...i want to cry...he fuckin goes off at me for all sorts of things and i fuckin hold it in...and there are tears coming to my eyes..i refuse to cry... he's such a bitch...why does he have to be such a dickhead to me? god...fuck him

okay...so tomorrow i plan to go to the city with jess...meeting her at eastwood at 10:30...not sure if i'm walking yet...i have yet to check the bus timetables lol...cos i don't want to download adobe acrobat on this comp...so i have to check timetables on my father's computer...

from friday night to sunday arvo...i'm gonna go to the snow...hurrah! with marc and his dad...i think he's still in the filz with his mum...hmm...

monday will be a rest day for me...and then back to school...*sigh*

okay...i don't want to chat in this anymore i just wanna get the task done and ignore my dad tomorrow and then call leigh

Subject: It can't be
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Fabolous ft. Lil Mo - Can't Let You Go

i got saishu heiki kanojo!! YAY...i got the first volume of dvd...bwhaha...but now i have to go get the rest...maaan...

hrm..

i don't really know what to talk about anymore...i could write what i'm thinking but they are such random thoughts about lots of things that it wouldn't make any sense...although right now i can truly say i'm happy...and i'm happy that i'm happy...so i suppose you could call that double happiness teehee...

emotions are such..hmm...diverse? flexible? ever-changing? mixed? ... i can't find the word...but those are some of the ones that don't quite describe it...there is no way you can describe what you feel using just one word...words aren't really enough for anything if you think about it...i mean...when you're sad...you're not only sad..there are so many things going through your mind and...yes...i'm not making sense...i can't really put it in a "opto" type way...perhaps he will make a comment later to this and translate it...hehe...but yes...feelings and emotions are things which can't be described with words...you take one look at a persons face and you can read their emotions...well..i can...i mean...it registers in your head that they are feeling this, this and this and you just know...it's unspoken...gosh...am i even making sense?

well the point im trying to make is that...i don't know really...it's like....how can they make words to describe what we're feeling? argh...nevermind hehe...

when i was talking to my godsister..i made many realisations...and once again it was shoved in my face that i was alone...ish...hehe...it's not that i deny it...but i wonder what it is that's caused me to be this way...i mean...why can't i completely open up to anyone? why is it, even when i'm talking about myself, that i'm so vague, emotionless and speak as if in third person..like it's not me...i talk about my life as if it were a joke...as if i don't care...i can only draw the conclusion that i don't want to get hurt...but then...why am i like that in the first place??

i had an argument with my dad again today. that could be a reason why. i even cried...and i kept crying even afterwards...and i didn't know why i was still crying...but i took a deep breath and made it vanish...yes...i can do that...just take a breath and be normal again..is that a good thing or bad? anyway....yes...an argument with my dad...like every other day i'm with him...it could be anything at anytime...and i thought for a moment...maybe that's a reason why i am the way i am...but i don't know...i had a good childhood i think...

maybe my mum? she's strange...she's got issues herself...very long story really...but yes...she's put me through a lot...maybe because of them? but i really didn't have a bad childhood...why am i trying to find someone to blame? maybe i'm this way because i am.

i think about myself a lot really. is that normal? or is it in a way vain? i mean...i like thinking about who i am and how i've changed and why i've changed...things liek that....analysing myself...i love to observe and analyse things around me.

hmm i keep thinking about the things my godsister and i were talking about...about how i only show one emotion: happiness...she told me i was living a lie
and then i told her about the people i hurt and strung along and she said i was insecure and afraid of being alone and using them in a way....hurting them...being manipulative...i acted like i didn't care...like i always act...as if nothing gets to me...even when it does...it must really frustrate people...lol...but yes...i don't think my godsister meant to make me feel bad...but i do feel really bad thinking about it...about how i am manipulative and stuff...

at first i denied being insecure but as i went along telling my story to her..i realised i am insecure about some things...i suppose that's why i get jealous and i don't like introducing some friends to others...i suppose that's jealousy and selfishness too..

and as i was saying before...i remembered how i was alone. maybe that's why i strung them all along? because i was afraid of letting any of them go...and eventually i did...and then i remember what sevari said...because i only really talk to him and opto....he said it's because they hadn't "given in" and i'm like whaa? and he said as in...had some sort of more than friendship relationship with either of them...it's true...i wouldn't be surprised if the rest of them feel used..

i string them all along knowing in the end i'm going to be hurt...but i figure it's worth it for temporary un-loneliness and then it gets to the point where it's either me or them that has to get hurt and i hurt them...all i do is hurt people...*sigh*...well i suppose that's not completely true...but...sometimes it feels like i hurt people a lot...

wow...this ended up being a long rant about me me me...ahaha...so once again...my recent realisations...and when i say recent i mean only about 2 months ago...

it's interesting and yet so terrifying to make realisations like that about yourself...especially when it takes you oh so long to see it...

god i feel paranoid...mum keeps passing me...i know she wants to see what i'm writing she'll probably poke around later...i wish i had my laptop back..and my privacy ^^ never realised how secretive and privateish i was...

i'm so many things i never realised...i mean...it was only when i slept over at Marc's house that weekend that i realised how alone i was...loneliness...ahaha........okay..im a little too paranoid now...methinks i will make this friends only just incase she pokes around...but there's really no point considering what else is in here that isn't friends only that she'll see anyway...blah...forget it...

alright enough...i don't feel like confusing myself about myself anymore