Subject: It can't be
Current Mood: Cheerful
Current Music: Fabolous ft. Lil Mo - Can't Let You Go

i got saishu heiki kanojo!! YAY...i got the first volume of dvd...bwhaha...but now i have to go get the rest...maaan...

hrm..

i don't really know what to talk about anymore...i could write what i'm thinking but they are such random thoughts about lots of things that it wouldn't make any sense...although right now i can truly say i'm happy...and i'm happy that i'm happy...so i suppose you could call that double happiness teehee...

emotions are such..hmm...diverse? flexible? ever-changing? mixed? ... i can't find the word...but those are some of the ones that don't quite describe it...there is no way you can describe what you feel using just one word...words aren't really enough for anything if you think about it...i mean...when you're sad...you're not only sad..there are so many things going through your mind and...yes...i'm not making sense...i can't really put it in a "opto" type way...perhaps he will make a comment later to this and translate it...hehe...but yes...feelings and emotions are things which can't be described with words...you take one look at a persons face and you can read their emotions...well..i can...i mean...it registers in your head that they are feeling this, this and this and you just know...it's unspoken...gosh...am i even making sense?

well the point im trying to make is that...i don't know really...it's like....how can they make words to describe what we're feeling? argh...nevermind hehe...

when i was talking to my godsister..i made many realisations...and once again it was shoved in my face that i was alone...ish...hehe...it's not that i deny it...but i wonder what it is that's caused me to be this way...i mean...why can't i completely open up to anyone? why is it, even when i'm talking about myself, that i'm so vague, emotionless and speak as if in third person..like it's not me...i talk about my life as if it were a joke...as if i don't care...i can only draw the conclusion that i don't want to get hurt...but then...why am i like that in the first place??

i had an argument with my dad again today. that could be a reason why. i even cried...and i kept crying even afterwards...and i didn't know why i was still crying...but i took a deep breath and made it vanish...yes...i can do that...just take a breath and be normal again..is that a good thing or bad? anyway....yes...an argument with my dad...like every other day i'm with him...it could be anything at anytime...and i thought for a moment...maybe that's a reason why i am the way i am...but i don't know...i had a good childhood i think...

maybe my mum? she's strange...she's got issues herself...very long story really...but yes...she's put me through a lot...maybe because of them? but i really didn't have a bad childhood...why am i trying to find someone to blame? maybe i'm this way because i am.

i think about myself a lot really. is that normal? or is it in a way vain? i mean...i like thinking about who i am and how i've changed and why i've changed...things liek that....analysing myself...i love to observe and analyse things around me.

hmm i keep thinking about the things my godsister and i were talking about...about how i only show one emotion: happiness...she told me i was living a lie
and then i told her about the people i hurt and strung along and she said i was insecure and afraid of being alone and using them in a way....hurting them...being manipulative...i acted like i didn't care...like i always act...as if nothing gets to me...even when it does...it must really frustrate people...lol...but yes...i don't think my godsister meant to make me feel bad...but i do feel really bad thinking about it...about how i am manipulative and stuff...

at first i denied being insecure but as i went along telling my story to her..i realised i am insecure about some things...i suppose that's why i get jealous and i don't like introducing some friends to others...i suppose that's jealousy and selfishness too..

and as i was saying before...i remembered how i was alone. maybe that's why i strung them all along? because i was afraid of letting any of them go...and eventually i did...and then i remember what sevari said...because i only really talk to him and opto....he said it's because they hadn't "given in" and i'm like whaa? and he said as in...had some sort of more than friendship relationship with either of them...it's true...i wouldn't be surprised if the rest of them feel used..

i string them all along knowing in the end i'm going to be hurt...but i figure it's worth it for temporary un-loneliness and then it gets to the point where it's either me or them that has to get hurt and i hurt them...all i do is hurt people...*sigh*...well i suppose that's not completely true...but...sometimes it feels like i hurt people a lot...

wow...this ended up being a long rant about me me me...ahaha...so once again...my recent realisations...and when i say recent i mean only about 2 months ago...

it's interesting and yet so terrifying to make realisations like that about yourself...especially when it takes you oh so long to see it...

god i feel paranoid...mum keeps passing me...i know she wants to see what i'm writing she'll probably poke around later...i wish i had my laptop back..and my privacy ^^ never realised how secretive and privateish i was...

i'm so many things i never realised...i mean...it was only when i slept over at Marc's house that weekend that i realised how alone i was...loneliness...ahaha........okay..im a little too paranoid now...methinks i will make this friends only just incase she pokes around...but there's really no point considering what else is in here that isn't friends only that she'll see anyway...blah...forget it...

alright enough...i don't feel like confusing myself about myself anymore