Some reflections upon returning, in a nutshell.

Okay so my last update was almost a year ago. Almost. Let's not let it reach that...

So I've just come back from the Philippines. Maybe I've just not had the time, or the right words or just plain lost my self-confidence when it comes to my writing.. What happened to not caring so much? All I can say is that the last two weeks have been rather... refreshing. I think I should make it so I go overseas every year and disconnect from reality and connect with me - as stupidly airy-fairily spiritual as that sounds, it's not really. It's just that it was just that. If that makes sense. But I'm writing again and that's the point. =)

I guess I could call this trip... rediscovering myself through reconnecting with people I've known but never really known. This is the first time I've gone to the Philippines without my parents. My memories of the Philippines is mostly just tagging along with my parents to meet their friends and their kids, being in the car looking out the window, tagging along with family to go shopping/eat/whatever. ANYWAY, so I get to decide who I see and what I want to do... (mostly. But that's another story.) So when I broke away from the troupe to do my own family run, I did just that.

I guess my main focus this time was my three official ninangs (godmothers), although I didn't realise it at the time. I got to dive into a different world and know my parents' friends and let them know that I'm my own person now. That's a little scary but exciting and enlightening and powerful. I stayed up til four in the morning with one, chain smoking, drinking coffee and having philosophical conversation. With another ninang, we had a nice intellectual share of our views on the world as well, over dinner. And the third one is almost there, but she's filled with doubts and regrets about herself and the way her world is.

Mind you this is already the tail end of my trip. But it was just so damn... fascinating. To learn so much about the kind of people they all are, their views on life, religion, spirituality, opinions on situations, what they've been through, what my parents were like... just everything. Spending time with them treating me as an equal.

Being away just let me reflect on so much of my life while I wasn't so caught up in it. I got to know more of my ties in the Philippines, as well as meet a few new interesting people, and in doing so I really had to be not afraid of being me. And learn. It was a good reminder about who I feel I am as a person. What I have been doing, what I need/should be doing and what I want to be doing. Some are one, two or all three. But one of things I want to be doing is writing again. So one thing at a time. =)

[Current music: Leona Lewis]

a general update - always a sunday...

i intend to write something... anything... everything today. i have an incredibly dumb amount of half updates because i get distracted easily. it may or may not be the random spacing outs and hundreds of billions of thought processes that i just can't be bothered to do. or maybe this requires a lot of concentrating because i don't want to sound stupid =P. i have to stop way too often to re-read what i've written. also i was just sick of seeing that old update from valentines day. that was ages ago.

for some reason i seem to have stopped posting about me... and my 'dramas' not that i have any... and my reflections and thoughts. i have not written one sentence about what i have been feeling lately. usually this occurs when i'm happy... or think i'm happy because my life has slipped into a bearable routine without anything interesting going on. i'm not making sense. i know it... but i'm trying not to let myself read over what i've written. but i just did. and i almost got distracted then. perseverance. focus.

so what have i been feeling lately? it's hard to tell when half the time i'm happily relaxed and chilled and complacent. i have to stop myself... i may just be numbing myself... maybe. *ahem*

on another note i've been re-reading harry potter along with everybody else. i haven't posted anything as of yet (i can't be bothered and there's just been so many comments to read (and they all pretty much say what i was thinking) and i'm always behind on chapters so...) but i intend to... maybe... at some point. and reading it has been making me feel like writing for some reason... maybe because i spent a lot of time reading about j.k. rowling and how she became a writer and... i just thought that i'd love to do that. i want to write something... really original... really good.

what else? i'm just not letting myself write anything personal in here... and i've just realised i keep writing 'maybe'. (maybe) it's because i'm not so sure of myself or i am sure so i'm afraid that once i write it down.. it'll make it true. or (maybe) i just don't want to commit to any particular statement.

me and josh are good. fallen into a new routine. wow. i just realised that me and josh adapt a lot... make new routines depending on our ever-changing schedules. at the moment we're playing pool regularly... every tuesday it's free at spurs. and we've now incorporated it into our routine. we're pool addicts. he thinks we need to go to rehab.

i'm seeing my friends semi-regularly. hopefully seeing avya tomorrow... at the 'epping fair'. it's like epping got jealous of eastwood's granny smith festival and invented their own. hehe. saw jess and ming last week actually. i've spent more time with ming outside and after school (like.. now) then during school. oh might be seeing chantelle on tuesday! it'll be sort of weird seeing her in a different social situation. i have not spent time like that with her... i have a feeling it'll be fun.

and today was the day andy came back to work.

i have a sudden itch to write in my actual diary. the truth... uh oh.

[Current music: bonnie pink - kingyo]

thursday. the day after my first valentines @ outback

"ahhhhhhhhhh."

it's so good being able to just sit here, with no disturbances, my awesome music playing nice and loud, the internet and a cigarette in hand. i'm actually now in a really good mood, and once again glad that josh has woken me up early. means i'll be more productive during the day and sleep at a decent hour.

wow. a sudden hit of appreciating josh. he's sort of encouraging/challenging/making/helping/supporting me to get another job and/or at least do something with my life. he's a positive influence in my life. it makes me really happy to be able to say something like that. i have an awesome boyfriend. how many people can say that?

the other day (tuesday i think) we got talking about money (as usual) and how he needs to do his resume and get a new job and how i've been thinking that i need to get a second job during the day because i need more money as well. so he signed me up to seek.com.au because he knew i'd keep putting it off. showed me where to look. then he woke me up early this morning. told me that he expected me to have updated my resume and sent it to 7-10 different jobs by 10:30 tonight. if i send it to 10 i get a surprise. god. he's even giving me incentive.

ANYWAY, so i'm in a good mood. i've only applied for one job... but i've taken a break to just chillax, update my journal at a nice pace and reflect and think stoner thoughts. it's fun looking for a job though, now that i'm in the rhythm of it. and i think about how fun and interesting it would be. the new people. the new atmosphere. new things to learn. something to do during the day. MONEY!!! =)=)=) but yes. so i'm quite motivated right now.

me and my dad were so on the same level last night. it was cool. had lots of awesome profound thought exchanges which all tied in neatly at the end. it was about different views on life, people, how my mum and dad have switched beliefs maybe as a sort of result of their divorce etc.

oooh. i've just gotten distracted by this old pamphlet i've kept and now re-found. it's for sae college. looks kinda cool. weird epiphany like train of thought which ended in the question: when did i stop not being sure and actually maybe wanting to do something like that? as in an audio or multimedia course sae offer which in the end will maybe offer me job opportunities in radio, recording studios, sound engineering etc. or advertising, design bureaus, internet etc. ?

hello again. not that you would know by reading this that i went and got distracted again. for an extremely long time since it's already 7:05 and i haven't had a cigarette since like...3! blah. i've only sent 5 job applications. i really can't be bothered to do anymore... it's the cover letter's. they're seriously killing me. why does there always have to be something so menial and tedious to go with everything that needs to be done? why?

now it's 9:20 and i think this entry shall come to an end til i actually have a particular thing to write about (not including my back logs!)

[Current mood: satisfied]
[Current music: matt weddle - hey ya]

wednesday. with gajan..? (what should i do? should i call out to you?)

interestingly i spent my wednesday with gajan. woke up around 10 and he was in my room chilling. got ... (what's new?) and then mentioned that i really wanted to watch a movie called "pan's labyrinth" at the dendy in newtown. black man just got paid and said he'd take me to see it. pretty cool.

so we made it to eastwood around 2:30 i think. had panda garden for lunch. stocked up on cigarettes. caught the train, changed at strathfield. got to newtown. went straight to dendy. pan's labyrinth was worth seeing, but a bit slow. afterwards we grabbed a really nice and affordable thai dinner.

went our separate ways and i met up with josh at west ryde. played pool at the tavern for about an hour.

it was really nice to get home and be in my room chilling by myself.

[Current music: snow patrol - chasing cars]

tuesday. the quest of delivering sammi to tafe. (wasn't i strong enough, to make you see...)

i think i'm doing this more logically now. w00t.

tuesday... josh left early in the morning with camille... both had stuffs to do during the day. made a promise to josh to get sammi out of the house and to meadowbank by 12:30pm. so woke up at about 11am, sammi and gajan still asleep on the couch. went about my business, showered and woke them about 10 mins before we had to leave.

met up with josh. we were all starving (and i had some money YAY!) so we ate chinese. enrolled sammi into tafe, checked josh's exemptions (bludger!) then eventually somehow we made it to spur's and played pool ($1!). left at around 10:30 i think and gajan ended up crashing at mine. got ... as per usual and crashed late as per usual =P

[Current music: dashboard confessional - ender will save us all]

monday. the day my havaianas died. (cos it's not fair to love you in chains.)

yeah. i'm back-logging.

so monday what did i do? one of my thongs broke in the morning, just as i got to the freakin' bus stop. figures. it was either, catch the next bus (an hour away and i was already late) and get heels from home or figure something out once i got to parramatta. i caught the bus and convinced marc (who was on the phone to me at the time of crisis) to walk down to the station with a pair of thongs and then to buy me new havaianas (i have no money =P). they're dark grey. once again i'm so lucky to have someone like marc in my life. after crisis was averted... we went back to his place and proceeded to climb into unreality. only for the morning for me though, since i had dinner at night. played warioware all day. awesomely random game to the maxxxx!!!

at night was the dinner. met up with jess after she finished work and made our way to the venue. others slowly joined us... but some of us went off to play pool while waiting, me being among them. the dinner was alright... felt sort of out of place, considering that this was all marsden people... this was their group. and unfortunately the good cd i brought didn't work and we were stuck with very little good music. my table only ate one entree (a bowl of chips =P) since none of us had any money. how sad. so mostly sat outside dancing and smoking and talking the entire night.

stopped by one world again, played pool, danced salsa and eventually left around 10:30pm. went back to my place and ... me and my boy broke our little deal for one night (mutually!) since we just can't help ourselves =P. that was hilariously funny for me but i won't go into details why... because i said so. oh and it seems that every week my bathroom toilet is making friends with a different person.

[Current music: nelly furtado - say it right]

sunday. plus one day of reflection.

i've successfully stayed home. spent the day in unreality, completely baked. couldn't comprehend anything my boy was saying over the phone. i'm so bad when i'm gone. but talked to marc for a bit but we were both immersed in our own activities to really trip out together.
i was caught up being all voyeuristic. exploring lj and looking at latest posts... sort of researching the people whose entries i find interesting. i feel like such a stalker. but hey it entertained me. i keep meaning to play baldurs gate but i'm so distracted with lj and the internet. i guess it's been a long time since i've had such readily available and comfortable connection. that's why i'm back.
i've just finished a cigarette and remembered that this time i was just going to write wherever my thoughts take me instead of tracking back and trying to continue on the theme of what i was writing about before all neatly. if that makes any sense. probably not because as i was writing that sentence i kept thinking about how insanely long it was. so was that one. maybe i should stop? wow. i get to ramble sufficiently. and sort of keep up with my thought process since typing is faster than writing.
so this is basically what i've been doing all day. it's only 11:10 now and i woke up at like... 2:30. yes i'm a lazy bitch. i know. i'm slowly but surely crushing the laziness out of me. which sorta reminds me. i've been reading my journal from start to finish... and i was such a hyper little thing. i have changed a lot... yet fundamentally i'm still me. i wonder what it would be like meeting my past self.

now i'm sorting through some old cd's. god i'm one sentimental bitch. anyway, so i start playing a cd and completely forgot what i was doing. my own music is sucking me in.

gotta make a cd for tonight's dinner. early night morning for me. the plan for today is: going to parra to spend the day with marc and spend the night at a dinner i don't have money for. then go back to mine and smoke up with the normal 5. so there's an idea of what to expect for my next entry.

[Current music: in public - kelis ft. nas]

day 2 pt. II (friday) and day 3 (saturday)... (and already this is failing)

a continuation of explaining yesterday (which is actually the day before yesterday).

...long story short, i spent way more than i should have yesterday (well the day before, but i haven't slept yet!). that was 2 pairs of shorts, a pair of earrings and 2 cd's. what's with the pairs? anyway, it was a fun day nonetheless... having the time and company to enjoy stores that i wish i could go to more often. i guess i just got fed up with not buying anything for myself. but now i'm paying for it. dipping into my savings account like i said i wouldn't. i can't believe it. i think i should start a rule: buy one thing for myself every week. just one. that way i can get what i want without suddenly splurging because i never buy anything for me.
went to work. shit night. no tips. then had to rush getting changed. rush to the station. run for the train at stratty. by then i was pissed off. to top it off, i hadn't had a cigarette. irrational. unreasonable. immature. but hey my night rendered me irate.
made it to lidcombe. then a not so quick stop off at mcdonalds (which i've stopped eating). made it to the black man's house. proceeded to his local for $2 pool and $2.50 beer. i had absolutely no money except for transport to get home. managed to play lots of pool anyway. i think i just might be getting better. the music was good. turned up loud, good base and pretty good songs - which we didn't have to pay for.
observed the group interaction. the dynamics of the group have changed. it's odd how quickly it did. it's odd how i've also become part of it all. caught up in it all. how the rest of my night turned out, i've just realised, has allowed me to take a step back and remember that i don't have to be... but then... there are no other dramas in my life.
the rest of the night was basically ending up at winston hills and majority of us feeling pissed off at having to go. we felt further away and inconvenienced. but none of us objected. we all hopped in the car and went. so can we really be pissed off? but after arriving and sufficiently bitching, we eventually decided on a taxi for us to go home. i felt sort of rude doing that.
got home at 5. boy went upstairs and straight to sleep. sam crashed downstairs. i decided to sleep at around 6. then the morning birds came. (see previous entry)

***

day 3 from day 4's point of view. so, yesterday was...

waking up at 2pm. i must've pulled the blinds down whilst escaping the morning birds and the light of dawn. but it at least allowed us to sleep in. bummed around my house for a couple of hours, pondering how the black man made it here.
fulfilled promise to myself not to give in. but i must say it's getting harder - he's really trying to get me to give in.
left the house around 4:45. got to work. ate some food. (some food which i've only just finished now. yum) Had one party table of 28. partayed with them and got to bludge legit at work. got a decent tip (i worked it for that table damnitt) and then had a good conversation with mc at the train station and on the train.
got home at 11:40pm. got high. talked to my dad. talked to the boy. talked to my dad some more. slept at 6am.

it's 5:15pm and i'm coming down, but i'll be going back up soon.

[Current mood: ditzy]
[Current music: into the ocean - evermore]

day 2ish (friday on the wee hours of saturday) (picturesque is the picture you paint effortlessly)

it's so quiet right now. i mean the house. i look over my shoulder and remember that josh is lying asleep on my bed, then remember sam is downstairs. there are 5 people in this house and it's just me awake. it's quiet.

yesterday/today (again! how confusing.) was...

being woken up at the unglodly hour of 7:30am. josh. early and taking public transport! what the..? the one time i wanted and needed to sleep in (didn't get to bed til 5:30). but i slept in for another 15 minutes, showered and made it out of the house (even remembering my toothbrush! i never remember it. and hey the one time i do i end up back at home anyway! oh the irony) looking good and feeling a bit less grumpy. in the meantime i was having phone conversations with josh involving me complaining about being so early... but i thanked him later. funny. i just realised in the entry before i was complaining about waking up too late... now too early.
apologies for the random mini tangents. you can probably guess why... it's 5:45. I've almost been up for 24hrs! wow.

i'll continue this confused entry later. i must flee. the morning birds have come.

[Current mood: gone]
[Current music: a perfect circle - 3 libra's]

day 1 (thursday). (the half day)

i felt like she was angry with me... probably for not being around as much again especially when they're due to start uni. she had to go and said she'd call me back but didn't.
i was awake by then. rolled my ass out of bed and dragged it next to my newly acquired toy (thus the want to get back in touch with my internet-life). remembered to call josh. looked at the clock and realised that once again i've gotten out of bed at the disgusting hour of 1pm. i sleep too much nowadays. anyway, had conversation with him on and off til his phone ran out of battery.
got ready for work. cigarettes, phone, wallet, keys, music. yay my new baby... ipod shuffle! courtesy of the awesomely funky (like a spunky monkey) marc exclamation mark. happily made my way to work, attempting to be at one with my new baby.
i got to work and realised that i missed an important meeting to do a sort of assessment for a certificate in hospitality. all the people who were signed up for it were doing it. i didn't know about it... but i was too lazy and hungry to care... but thinking about it now, it's really annoying because now i don't know what stage i'm at for the certificate and all the assessments it entails.
ending that rant, i decided to eat a no rules burger with cheese, grilled onions, egg, pineapple, lettuce and bbq sauce. mmm... i'm making myself hungry. but that's what i ate. and it came with chips and i dipped it in our honey mustard sauce. i feel like i'm advertising... but i really did enjoy that meal.
ANYWAY, had a fun time at work, gained a badge from a japanese chick who works in outback in japan. gave me two badges of hers from japan (and i'm like... what? she carries them around with her wherever she goes?) and we traded. went out for a cigarette without asking and got in trouble, but while my manager was telling me off also told me i was one of his best servers, one of his favourites and good with big groups. he said i was lucky otherwise he would've gone off at me harder. i wasn't impressed. or they think i'm innocent and don't want to hurt my feelings by letting me down softly? that's what my mind just concocted but... i don't think so.
finished late (say... 11:30 ish) and $20 richer. figured i didn't want to go to winston hills and headed home... happily conversing (for some reason i was really talkative today) with josh and every once in a while i'd pat the spot where my baby lay... calling me to listen to it.
got home. home to a wonderfully clean room and back to my p00ter. that was at 12 and now it's 4. i should really sleep but i keep on having more and then lighting a cigarette. and i'm stuck in that endless cycle. but this will be my last cigarette. and then sleep.

goodnight. i probably should have read that over.

[Current mood: high]
[Current music: beautiful collision - bic runga]

First and foremost I'm sitting here extremely pissed off. It's fucking 12:40am and I want to go the fuck home. I should have just fucking walked. FUCKING OATH. I wanted to sleep early... I have to wake the fuck early tomorrow to go to fucking work... I want to take a shower... I feel icky from work today - no wait - YESTERDAY! Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck this... I want to go home... I can't even get into fucking contact with my father. I want to scream... and the more I type about it the harder I hit the keys on the keyboard and the more I get worked up about it.

*breathes*

Besides that... I was sitting and listening to my current favourite song (Jason Mraz - I'm Yours) and looking up at the stars while waiting at Ermington (waiting... always waiting) and I saw a shooting star! That made my night. It made me smile... I felt like it was some sort of sign... for what, I don't know... but something positive. I just thought I'd mention how randomly happy that made me.

Weird... I'm actually updating this... probably because I have nothing better to do. Actually now I find I'm writing everywhere but my diary... weird.

So I won't hesitate
No more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate
I'm yours

[Jason Mraz - I'm Yours]

I've been too fucked off my face to properly think about the events of Saturday night... but now I'm coming down and there's a perfectly good broadband connection right here. By the way... the song I've quoted up there is one of the most sweetest songs ever. Currently in love with it. Just had to mention how awesome it is =)

I ended up drinking, not that I said that I wouldn't, but I really have to sit down and make myself drink nowadays and that's if I want to get trashed... I'm not sure what it was that set me off... could have been Sam, could have been Josh... maybe both. So maybe I was pissed off but I knew I shouldn't have been so one hand reached for a shot glass and the other for some random Russian alcohol.

5 shots and a billion cigarettes later, my mind switched to power-tripping/predatory mode. Just when Jared and Lisa got there too. So I got the hot Russian chick then proceeded to ask permission from both parties (Lisa and Josh) and next thing I knew I was making out with Jared... then Lisa, Hanya (sorry... don't know how to spell that), Grace and the random Russian guy.

I don't ever want to that again. Ever. It's always good fun at the time, while I'm drunk and not thinking about how I'd feel about it all later... but then for a few days after I'm still thinking about it. But the overall outcome was positive (to the point of cornyness) I guess... I mean that all of that made me realise how much I actually do like Josh, why waste time making out with other people (who don't compare)?

I'm not making sense and I'm starting to sound horribly... obsessive/sweet/corny etc. Whatever you want to call it. *big ass sigh*

Oh and I've figured out what would make me jealous... it was when I was off my face last night and listening to Mr. Brightside. I can't stand the thought of Josh being with someone the way he is with me... physically and/or emotionally. Well not physically physically... like... if I imagine him grabbing someones ass with the same kind of desire/enthusiasm etc. that he does with me... or him being particularly affectionate with anyone... like when he kisses me on the forehead... or even kissing someone else the way he kisses me... but then I don't know if that's in my head that there's actually more to the kiss... more meaning... god... the more I try to explain it the more it doesn't make sense at all. Well -I- think that he doesn't/hasn't/didn't kiss anyone else with the same kind of... feeling(?)/emotion(?) (If you can call it that) that he does with me. Well that's what I'm hoping. Okay... I'll stop... at least it makes sense to me.

What else? I actually thought of a whole shitload to say but I don't want to... because. I'll sound stupid and insecure as per usual... so fuck that.

And on that note, goodnight.

All the way now,
Can't you see I'm falling
All the way down
And all around yeah
Oh and it's okay
I wouldn't say I'm lonely
More just alone
Cause you see
I want you

[Killing Heidi - Undertow]

P.S. Re-falling in love with this song again too...

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cos it hurts

I'm sitting here... amazingly still drug fucked out of my mind. I'm falling in love with this song all over again... it's just so passionate, sad and sexy all at the same time. God. I can't stop thinking about him either... today was just... unexplainably awesome. The weather was perfect. The surroundings were calm. We lay in the grass for forever. We talked... it was sweet. He was sweet. I can still feel his nails running across my skin slowly... We kissed so gently, so sensually... I just can't explain how much I felt that moment. I wish we could have stayed there forever. I wish we had all the time in the world to pretend like we're all that's in it.

But that moment is gone... just a far away memory...

It's weird how I have so many things floating around in my brain but I haven't had the chance to write any of it down. Maybe because I still don't fully understand all of it... how can I explain things that I don't get myself? I guess I can try... no promises that it will make sense though...

(20.03)

I'll start with Sunny. So... random messaging with him turned into a full blown conversation on the phone one night. It reminded me of all the times that I'd opened up to random people. It's so much easier... they barely know you plus they put forward a new perspective. Also, it's not that you don't care about what they think, but you don't care too much for it to fuck you up in one way or another.

He brought something new to the table though. I found out later it wasn't what Josh had said but more what Sunny had assumed or thought because he couldn't imagine it to be any other way. But it helped nonetheless. I still don't quite get how it helped me... it just did. He thought that Josh was just putting me on a guilt trip and that he was mostly just acting that way because that's how you're supposed to react. I didn't know whether to believe him or not at the time, but somehow it made me feel better. I felt a bit foolish... because if that was the case... then I was the biggest fool ever. And in turn that made me angry. But I thought twice about it and there was no way that it could have been just a guilt trip... then I felt guilty for even thinking him capable of that. But... it kinda knocked me back up again. Being a bit angry at him for those few seconds, even though now I don't think it's true, reminded me that I shouldn't have to punish myself forever and be this sad mess following him around and catering to his every whim to try and make up for it. I guess Sunny's different perspective also let me step back and actually look at everything. And all of this somehow just let me let it go...

As for what I said above... my gut tells me I'm forgiven but the deeds are not forgotten and never will be.

So now we're moving forward again...

(Back to present date...)

It felt different for me this time. We were sitting on the play equipment bridge under the dark cloudy sky that was threatening to rain down on us (and did for a bit) with mosquitoes eating us alive... but for me, it couldn't have been sweeter. He cupped my face and kissed me tenderly... it was slow and meaningful... nevermind that I had to occasionally pull away to slap my leg or arm... it didn't matter. It was like... no, it IS like we both want more from each other. I don't exactly know what we're both waiting for though... all I know is that it is moving in that direction and... I like it.

I wrote this before but never had the chance to put it up... so I'm putting it up now, now being the 26.03...

Even though he acts normal sometimes a slip of the tongue leads me to believe that he still hurts... that he's still angry (which I'm sure he is). But I'm not sure if it's just me taking things more personally than I should in an attempt to punish myself.

It was the little comments that upset me today. They remind me that I hurt him. I don't know if he even realises that he's doing it... I just give him this look and I don't know what he thinks I'm thinking. What I'm thinking is; are you saying this on purpose? Are you saying this to hurt me... to get back at me indirectly?

And I keep remembering what he said about me never knowing what he felt/feels on this topic. He'd never tell me and never bring it up again. So I think for a while I'll be taking things a little personally because in the back of my mind I'll be thinking, has he forgiven me yet? I think once I feel that all those comments lack underlying meanings and accusations and purposeful reminders... I'll believe that he's forgiven me. But again, I'll never know for sure when that will be. I'll just have to trust my gut on this one.