Subject: I know I am a brat.
Current Mood: Crappy
Current Music: Utada Hikaru - Deep River

I know I'm being a brat.

I know I am a brat.

I know that I practically *always* get what I want.

And now that I'm not..I know i'm wrong for going psycho over it.

But...do I care?

No.

I want to hurt him.

I'm not going to talk to him...I'm going to make him feel bad.

And just now..he bent over to kiss me bye and I moved away...now I feel a little guilty.

*stabs conscience*

die..die..

I just hope he doesn't die today...I don't know if I'd be able to forgive myself knowing that I was angry at my father when he died. Isn't ironic? Things like that always happen...daughters being angry at their fathers for one thing or another and then their dads going and dying on them. What a wonderful world we live in.

I wanted a nice weekend...and now it's ruined. Yes...I blame him. Do I give a fuck if it's really my fault? No. I want to hurt him. I want to make him feel horrible. I won't say much to him anymore...

I'm not sure if this is other issues or if this is just this...but I think this is more than me just not getting what I want. Or maybe I really am just a brat. Hmm...maybe I'm trying to justify me being angry..when really I am just plain wrong. Maybe.

I don't know. I just want to be happy...I was hoping I wouldn't cry this weekend. But I was so happy yesterday...yesterday was such a good day...and today is crap. Today I feel like crap. Damnitt...I just want to be happy.

I'm rambling along...I'm so angry...I'm so so angry...I want to talk to someone who'll understand..I want to talk to someone who is right here and can tell me gently that I'm wrong and then just hold me. I want so many things. Want want want. Me me me. Brag brag brag. Maybe I really am selfish? Yeah...enough of the maybe's. I am selfish. I am a brat. I just want to be understood and feel loved and I want to get what I want...

I want.

I'm probably not making sense...oh well...I want to talk to someone...it was nice talking to Leigh last night...lets bug M for his number...actually I would have but I thought she'd think I was like...stealing her boyfriend or something...oh well.

Yes...Leigh is hers. And Opto isn't anywhere. I haven't said much to him in these past few days. I just want to lie down go to sleep and never wake up. Then my dad will feel guilty. I want him to hurt badly.

I've run out of things to say now.

Bye

Why does the world hide behind a mask? Almost everyone I know, they aren't quite what they seem. You suspect that they are indeed wearing a mask, but you never know for sure...you never know until they show what they believe is their real self. But what is someones true self? Why does everyone believe they have to hide a part of themselves?

Subject: none;
Current Mood: Confused
Current Music: Silencia

lol

I needed to see what I was feeling...I can't rant properly...not when my emotions keep changing from one thing to another. What's wrong with me? I can deal with this...bwahaha...I think a lot of this is insecurities...about lots of things...I think that I really should just shut the fuck up. Never speak again. That way I'll never get involved with anyone anymore and I won't hurt anyone by saying stupid things. I'm so tired. I just want to lie down. I wish all this shit didn't get to me...I want to say what I'm feeling but if I do that I may hurt someone...although...I might have already hurt that someone by just this and the last post. I don't know anymore. I'm sure I'll be feeling something totally different to this by the time it's Sunday night. I'll be okay. I know it. heh...true optimism.

I'm confused.

I'm sad.

I'm angry.

I'm insecure.

I want to be selfish.

I will be selfless.

I will let go.

I'm really trying.

I will not distance myself.

This will work.

I'll make it work.

I won't be manipulative.

I won't push you apart.

I'll pretend I never knew.

I'll find a way.

I don't really know what I'm feeling.

I wish I knew what I was feeling.

I'm not making sense.

I don't like her.

I want him to be happy.

I want to know what he's feeling.

Sometimes I wish I never knew.

I could pretend I never knew...

I'm tired.

I'm numb.

I'm stressed.

I'm not trying to get attention by writing this.

I want to pick up the pieces of my life.

I want to know why he picked that time to tell me and why he told me.

I think I'm really not okay with this.

I want to be okay with this.

I need to be okay with this.

I'm going to stop my train of thought..

now

Subject: Do you really really want to see a brighter day?
Mood: Blank.
Music: Utada Hikaru - Tokyo Nights

I had the weirdest dream last night...I can't remember it properly, the only thing that I really remember is that Prashant and Marc were in it and we were all in jail or something like that...and because we were still in school we had to choose subjects so that tutors could come in and teach us while we were in jail...it was a nice jail though with benches and tables where we could get tutored and a pool (no idea why) and yeah...I just remember Prashant being upset that I didn't give him lots of attention and he was crying and I was holding him and saying sorry and he was rambling on about how I give all the attention to Marc...lol...anyway...that's the bit I most remember about the dream...I wonder what my subconscious must have been thinking for my dreams to conjure up something like that...

Last night was scary..we had Anime night and afterwards (11-11:30 ish) my dad was hungry so he decided to go to Harry's hot dog place thing and I reclined my car chair and he assumed I was gonna go to sleep and he got angry and gave me a hard time saying shit like, do you wanna go home? i'll just eat at home? and I screamed at him that he could eat. Then when we got there..not parking...so he turned into a street which was really deserted and dark..it was scary...so I told him that I didn't want him to park there and he got so pissed off, I could feel it, it was scary...he drove around and he was saying in a really mean voice "find a better parking spot. go on." and "is this street to 'scary' for you?" and he was driving so recklessly cos he was so pissed off...I was so scared..I started crying after he sped up this alley really fast..I could feel the engine shuddering and it was really scary..he was trying to scare me on purpose..and then I started crying and I couldn't stop...and we ended up going home and he didn't eat Harry's..and yeah...

what i'm still trying to figure out is why I cried so much...

i saw the school counseller 3/4 weeks ago and she told me this story of this raft which was going down a river and it picked up all these animals as it went along, really big animals and other small animals and there were so many but the raft still didn't sink, but when the raft stopped to pick up a small mouse..it sunk. What the story meant was that, there are only so many things you can keep inside and hold up on your back and that the smallest thing can set it off...so you can be the raft holding these huge animals and lots of them...but all it takes is a little mouse for you to sink...

maybe this was that mouse?

i don't know...but at least I know I can still cry...my dad is usually the one who can make me cry...I can't really cry about anything else...anyway..how embarassing...I like keeping the image that I never cry and i'm always happy...

oh my god...the day is so beautiful..we're gonna go to ashfield today to some record stores he wants to find some good salsa music and stuff...im happy we're going out..it's such a nice day...and I get the feeling this long weekend is gonna be a REALLY nice weekend but my mom doesn't want me to go out on sunday and monday...if i have to be cooped up at home with her for a nice long weekend...i swear to god i'm gonna chuck the biggest psycho...god...okay...anyway...*deep breath*...

i have nothing else to write about..that was my night...heh...

baii