So I'm finally here, sitting in front of the computer, oddly relevant music playing much too loudly in my ears. I'm in one of those moods where I want to fall into my music and drown in it. The turn of events play over and over in my head but I find I'm not sure how to word it... so I'm just writing it as it comes to mind. For his benefit, I'm going to continue to write as though he may never see it. Also at the end I'll re-post the entry I deleted about him.
Much has been said...
Most of what I remember about sitting at that random bus stop was the look in his eyes as he stared me down. He may not have said it all, but every fibre of my being could feel the anger and pain directed toward me. I didn't even have the guts to look in his eyes, I just let him talk and covered my face with my jacket and agreed. I can't get that look in his eyes out of my head... or the tone of his voice for that matter. Everything accusing even if it wasn't meant to be. Everything testing me and my reactions. The whole time I felt like I was a lab rat being put through a labyrinth not knowing which direction was right or wrong, what the consequences would be for picking a particular turn and what the scientist was looking for.
I catch in my throat
Choke
Torn into pieces
I won't - No
It didn't help that I hadn't had a chance to clarify and sort and reflect on my feelings and what I might say to him today. Lots of what I said folded in on itself and/or didn't make sense at all. I stumbled and left thoughts unfinished with "I dunno..." And whenever I did that I would briefly remember what my father said about never not knowing, just finding answers and conclusions that you didn't agree with or didn't like.
I remember just staring away from his intense gaze. I didn't really know what to say at any given point in time. It was generally the same shit going around in my head.
This mirrors an open door I can barely stand to see myself I don't know what to do anymore...
This is one situation where I'm not sure if I'm beating myself up inside more than the other person is mad at me. Usually I give myself the worse time. He didn't have to say a thing, but his silence said enough. But I think he knew I had the potential to punish myself more than he would even want to punish me. That's a lot of the reason I wanted him to be mad at me. I wanted, no I think I still need to hear what I deserve, because (I can't believe I'm saying this... but it's easier when writing and it's to no one in particular and to no ones face) otherwise I'll always be plagued by the thought that I don't deserve... whatever, him, happiness etc. And if I feel that I've gotten what I deserve I can pick myself back up and finally let go of it without guilt that I'm letting it go too soon... without feeling that I'm forgiving myself too soon. I'll never forgive myself until I feel that I have been forgiven... But I suppose today's strained conversation was a bit of a punishment.
(I had to pause my train of thought because I moved. Now I'm sitting in the other house... where it's darker and quieter. This moment is being ruined. I'm talking to Gajan and he's playing stupid. I don't see why I have to relive that night by spelling it out to him because he doesn't "remember.")
Caught up against the wall again
Tied my chain to the ball again
It never seems to amaze my mind
It wasn't just once. You'd think I'd learn, and many times throughout the night it was pointed out that once would have been enough. It's little bitter, resentful, accusing things that were said tonight that will stick. They'll forever be in the back of my mind replaying over and over serving as a constant reminder that of the pain I cause/d him... even if he never says a word for as long as we live.
That triggered so many thoughts in my mind, one which was already discussed; my insecurities. I refuse to relive them again and I refuse to use them as an excuse. It's still a work in progress... it's still something that I haven't grasped about myself or maybe I have and I just don't like the answer...
Maybe I secretly enjoy the drama. Maybe I'm sabotaging it. Maybe because I thought things were too good to be true. Maybe, out of sick, morbid curiosity, I wanted to see what would happen. Maybe I'm just straight out fucked. Maybe I just can't say no (because I enjoy the attention but that just goes back to my insecurities). I don't even know what it was that let me do it numerous times. I don't know why I couldn't stop myself. All I know is that there is nothing I can say or do to change it. I know/think that it is 100% my fault no matter what anyone says (and I'm not looking for pity... that's the last thing I want right now... or ever, I'm just saying what I feel) because most of all if I really wanted to stop I could/would have, with or without alcohol.
I've thought about this so much... since it began. It's gotten to the point where one thought/excuse/theory chases another around and around in my head and I make no progress, get frustrated then I put a stop to it all... push it back. Why do I do this to myself?
When you're young you have this image of your life,
And you make boundaries you never dream to cross,
And if you happen to, you'll wake completely lost.
My capabilities never cease to amaze and horrify me. The fact that I went on normally and gave nothing away terrifies me yet puts me in awe. I draw out these lines and boundaries only to break them and confuse myself about what I feel, my morals (if I have any) and values. This isn't the first time I've crossed a boundary for reasons unknown.
So is it better to tell and hurt, or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is, don't do it in the first place.
Fear, cowardice, whatever and all of the above. Reminds me of what my father said to me after we watched "Closer." I can't remember the exact wording but it was something along the lines of whether or not to lie or come clean. Whether relieving your guilt is worth losing the person you love. Whether it's better to "protect" the person you love from that information. Or are you doing it for your own benefit... for your own selfish reasonings?
My fear of losing him was my biggest fear of all and is most of the reason that stopped me from telling him. I think he understands that part... I hope he does...
"Cut and bruised by the fall again.
Lick my wounds like a dog again.
Is that a light at the end of the tunnel
That I see I see, please let it be but don't"
Those lyrics remind me of him - another reason why I didn't tell him. As soon as those words left his mouth that night about Sunny and Gajan... It only pushed me further away from telling him because I knew I would be forever slotted into that category. I would be another person to tick off his list of people-who-i've-trusted-and-it's-blown-up-in-my-face. That was the last thing I wanted, for him to have doubts in his mind about me... because even after all this there is no reason to doubt me. This is the only thing I have – and ever will – decieve him about. Decieve is such a horrible word. And I didn't want to fuck him up even more about his trust issues. It's like I proved him right about people screwing him over. I wanted to be the one who changed his cynical view about people in general... make it easier for him to open up in future to other people because at least he would know that not EVERYONE screws him over. But I did...
"And it's taken all I have not to give myself away,
And it seems to be getting closer within each and everyday,
And I have to hold on to my emotions as they stray..."
These lyrics serve two purposes. One is to describe him again... to start my train of thought about another reason why I didn't tell him. These aren't excuses by the way, I have to keep clarifying because I hate it when people try and justify and excuse themselves (even though in a way that is what I'm doing and what I do, but lets not go into the hypocricy of that; they're explanations, not excuses).
The other purpose is to describe me and what I felt in the moments before telling him... and all the other things that happened before then... and all those times I could have told him but didn't... and everything that has built up before I came clean...
But I couldn't gauge his reaction. Well I kind of could predict it but even the tiniest possibility of the worst reaction possible kept me in check. That added to my reasonings.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems...
I don't know much I just realised... because I always start my sentences about him with "I don't know if..." I suspect... I don't know. Like the lyrics above... he doesn't give himself away easily. That was just an after thought. I'll start again with what I was originally going to say.
I don't know if he grasped how much it meant to me that by the end of the night he was still holding my hand... still hugging me... still talking to me... still there with me. That in itself... I don't know. Maybe he can't grasp it because I haven't yet either. It's just... the implications of the fact that he talked it through with me. The meaning of it all... the meaning of us (to him) stood completely bared and vulnerable. I don't know if that makes any sense at all.
It takes a lot of courage on his part to allow himself to trust me again... or at least allow himself to give me that chance to prove myself. Actually... that shows me that there's still trust there. That's what it is. It's the fact that he let me back in again. I probably can't even begin to comprehend what that means for him and what kind of inner struggles he faced and how much courage it took him. That's probably what amazes me the most. That he talked it through with me and pretty much gave me himself again. He's letting me back into a position which allows me to hurt him again, trusting that I won't. I think that takes a lot from someone like him.
That's probably what will get me past all of this. It kind of eliminates some doubts and insecurities in my mind in a way. That kind of effort, on his part, will always be on my mind so even if he is still pissed off at me... I'll know that he still likes me a lot and it kind of didn't change anything on that front.
---
So now it's almost two in the morning and I feel somewhat better because stuff is now out there and because it is, it's so much clearer. I know that a lot of that should have been said when I was with him... but it's so hard to word it and it's so hard to say it to him... and I could be wrong. Everything I say is based on one assumption or another on my observations on him and I could be wrong!
To think that I've written all of that and I know for a fact that not EVERYTHING is sorted... I have more to say... (only a bit... not another freakin' essay... I think) but now I'm just really exhausted.
I'm not going to read over it because if I read over it I'll probably change something.
Night.
~MEi
